2005Mar03
Thursday morning with Jen in Grants Pass [motel]
How could my one isolated experience with Leticia, nearly four years ago, still affect me? Still celibate six months after just seeing her in passing. I had to see her again. I thought I was going crazy. I was crazy (maybe still am).
If only I had known she was coming, then I only would have been anxious. I never expected my closest friend to hide such an important thing from me. Was there supposed to be a surprise? I kept saying I couldn’t know when I would see her, but I broke when she neared. The whole world came between me and my love when I sank into self-pity and doubt. I’m still defining myself. I know who I am, but my persona shifts still reactively with each new person. I still lack a good social identity. I still feel I’ll have to leave Humboldt but I’m moving intentionally slow. I want something to break open in the world so I can see her once more.
She completes me – I can’t get this out of my mind. I don’t want to be with anyone else. There are so many women I’ve known and so many more I don’t know at all. Leticia, I know only a little. It concerns me greatly that she doesn’t want to even talk to me, that she thinks I’m crazy. But I feel her at any time, at any distance. Dear God, please, I need to have Leticia in my life. I don’t want to let her go into the past. As a memory, her image is etched as if I only met her yesterday. I want to be the most important person to her, and she’s not interested. She knows (she must by now) what kind of person I am, that I won’t settle for even second best. I can’t.
My thoughts on casual sex are conflicting. I haven’t the will to invest my time in another person, but I really need to get laid. There are plenty of women interested in me, and plenty of people who believe in free love in Humboldt. Every bar has untaken women leftover each night. Prostitution in Eureka is like fast food. All the college girls dress up for shows and art gatherings (and there are so many parties!). There is even a surplus of women who need a place to stay. They all walk by and I do nothing. No one knows how easy I really am. Maybe I come across as picky (Leticia or no one!), but the truth is I’d fuck just about any woman who would crawl into bed with me.