The title for this may be misleading but life is a meager mixed bag right now. I’m awake in the middle of the night which is common, though I’ve scheduled myself to work 9 to 5 for the next few days. This is where my job working as a delivery driver becomes the best therapy, pulling me out of my isolation and giving me present things to focus on. Every day, rain or shine, is full of music and beautiful women, friendly people, and even nice dogs… I just ignore the ugliness of reality, otherwise. These days, my job isn’t making enough to compete with minimum wage and the expense of gas, oil, and other maintenance is significant. I need a couple of tires soon which will be another $250, plus I’m still catching up on my electricity bill, taxes, and several things were put off while the Summer was lean, too. Yesterday I made only $68 which cost me $25 – and this much over 10 hours! The company makes up for the difference to come close to minimum wage, but this is not sustainable. There is barely a week that the averages exceed $13 an hour, and that’s all GrubHub will guarantee even though minimum wage went up to $15 last July. And this is supposed to be the busy season. In 4 weeks, Winter Break will begin at Oregon State University and business will be even slower…

It’s the holidays that are bothering me, mixed with the usual unresolved issues and financial stress. Thanksgiving is in 2 weeks and things are still unresolved with my family. I’d like to go to the coast again but I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford it, depends on tires, too. I’ll probably stay home and watch football with a bowl of clam chowder. It’s been difficult going through old photos as they pave memory lane, even more difficult that they have timestamps and they’re getting organized by year. The last time I was at the coast for Thanksgiving was with Barbara who passed away 4 years ago. I came across a photo of the keyhole where we almost got swept out to sea and just started crying. I’ve never missed anyone so much. Christmas will be the hardest, as always. All holidays are hard in isolation, and Christmas has been made difficult for me throughout my life by Jehovah’s Witnesses, intentionally. But I’ll never understand why my own family would conspire with my neighbors to exclude me. What was I forced to sign in an apartment in Philomath, and what was filed by publication? Is this why I was left out at High Quality? Why is it such a big deal that I always want to go see Christmas lights at Christmas? Barbara was supportive of my dreams, so then her family excluded her…
Every day I drive past High Quality where I thought I was making friends. I’ve heard my cousin owns it which would explain things. He should have some explaining to do about a yellow kayak one Christmas, too. Apparently my Mother was being lied to? But it wasn’t just one Christmas… I wanted Sunday BBQs and I invited everyone, so they started having Sunday BBQs at High Quality and made a point of not inviting me… the same thing about going camping one July… and the Christmas lights – whoever was in the back did not want me coming around and it was clear. And I got tired of all the pretentiousness while being otherwise dismissed, so I dumped off a bunch of empty canisters which showed how much I spent there and I never went back. I’m sure I wasn’t missed, but the story goes on elsewhere, anyway.

Skip ahead to Alley Gyros where I very rarely get orders for delivery now… they can barely keep their doors open. They seem incapable of making Greek food which is one of the easiest cuisines in the world. They don’t have consistent hours and are often closed during peak times, can’t keep employees. Their front door has been boarded up for a couple of months… they can’t afford to fix it? Same cousins, apparently my Aunt owns it. Same story with Harbor Freight and a few other businesses in town, some that have closed. Besides the association with family who have excluded me, one common denominator with these places is that they have all responded to things I’ve said in private, as if a fly on the wall must work there… this goes back as far as Ruby Tuesdays. And still, nobody wanting to make plans with me for the holidays, and nobody wanting to answer my questions. It’s bad enough that white collar crimes are damn near condoned here. There is ample evidence of identity theft and fraud, but nobody cares.

Today will be rain all day yet I’m still reluctant to put the doors on my jeep. No problem, I’ll put on a full storm suit with warm clothing layered under and fire up the sled for another day of service. Depending on the roads and the traffic, driving it can be like – well, every day I imagine its a different vehicle just for fun. Some days it’s a bobsled. Some days its a tugboat. Today, maybe a hovercraft. It’s supposed to rain for the next few days. I genuinely love my job and my jeep is the most fun vehicle I’ve ever owned. If the music isn’t blaring, I’m usually singing or whistling. And even though I’ve complained about so much small talk with so little quality time, the social interactions I have are mostly positive. Overall, work is good therapy for holiday stress… but the hours are too many with not enough pay and my vehicle could use as much attention as I. On days like this, its one day at a time though I haven’t lost sight of my dreams. I look forward to the flirtations, the unforeseen comedies, and there are always unplanned adventures – yesterday, I got an order that went to the wildlife refuge where there was an eagle hunting and lines of geese looking for a place to land, gorgeous though I couldn’t get a good picture. Every day is different and that’s the best part, especially when the losses are included. l will be back to spending days photographing birds and such, eventually. Even with the sadness and the setbacks, I’m still succeeding… I’m still going to fly.