Journal Entries (incomplete)
from Summer 2001 to Fall 2004
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2004Aug06 (Poem+)
2004Aug06 Connect! Rejuvenate and be free It’s time to dance and sing And love with wreckless abandon I’m going to show the world what Power there is in faith I have leapt from the edge of the abyss Crossed the point of no return Thrown caution to the wind And dared to dream an impossible…
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2004Aug13 (Poem)
2004Aug13 (Poem) Redwood Park Early afternoon Don’t trip on the promise Of yesterday’s forecast. Don’t fall backwards Planning tomorrows events. Positive presence: [Give her what she wants, But Don’t forget about myself] Selfless Full-bodied Being – Treasure is a celebration; Savour the moment, Dispel the world, And stop breaking thinks down. Rise.
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2004Aug14
2004Aug14 [In margin: Look up mate] Your concern is my concern. I have sacrificed myself mostly through my words – such exhaustive use of sublime and evanescent energy. Thematic are the marks entropy, dissipation, and waste. Never, nobody, always; extremes. How did I become a Goddamned writer? All the sadness I just had to work…
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2004Aug15
2004Aug15 I did almost burn my writings many times, but this morning I sit to write even more. As a personal ritual I know I can’t imagine a life without words. Poetry might flatter the ears of unsuspecting listeners but no one is interested in the flow of consciousness. So far I’ve shared only little…
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2004Aug16
2004Aug16 4:am Don’s Donuts Two hours sleep in my car – Run out by Arcata police…. Two more hours in Manila – this time the Sheriff. Too much driving (gypsy cab call)…. Entropy. An hour and a half until the pool opens (hot tub and shower) – another hour and a half until the coffeehouse…
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2004Aug19
2004Aug19 Pity – Piety What contrasting connotations these words now hold…. To be so devout – homely and homeless. Passionate, driven, and useless. Priceless as a result of being invaluable. Unwanted. To be pious in this day is not sought after or admired, but to be pitiful draws people like parasites. Zealots are terrorists and…
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2004Aug20
2004Aug20 No one cares, or if they do they remain unwilling to do anything about it. I’m 33 with a yearning that will kill me and for a woman who does not want me. This makes me undesireable and a pain in the ass to be around. No one likes me. And so I write.…
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2004Aug24
2004Aug24 It’s made out to be the victimized are held responsible, that my personal goals are considered to be as inadequate as I feel I am. I know I have to earn respect but I’m being offered token apologies at best. Such a strange predicament. I’ve tried to tell anyone who would listen about my…
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2004Aug25
2004Aug25 Particular feelings of guilt and shame – no one to turn to but for those who say I need help. And it is intrinsically self-destructive to act alone. I can leave behind a letter, as feeble and cowardly as it is to leave. I think I have no choice. Yes, I’m in the midst…
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2004Jul30
2004Jul30 There is some point not influenced by the masses, some contrast not influenced or affected. In the longest chain of action/reaction the first step is an action always and while projections may be reflective and thoughts abstracted, there is some floating point that is insistently null – the root of it all, and I…
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Where Lightning Strikes Water
Where Lightening Strikes Water…. February 16-17, 2005 It’s a good title for the book I have to write. I’ve finally purchased a laptop and can now begin transcribing my random journal entries. They’ll fall into topics, much about Leticia — life and love, of course. There’s so much work and I’ve only just become happy…
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A Kiss
A kiss, It’s true, will tell so much. Amazing amount of sexual energy these days, and such opportunities. I’ve met Jennifer and am moved by her passion for life. The sex would be good and we both know it, but there’s mostly indirect conversations that tantalize with possibility. I think I’ve already decided to be…
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A Transient Forever
2005Feb23 Another episode comes to an end with another journal entry transcribed. It’s amazing how pompous my speech was, how compulsive or disjointed on some days. There is so much to sort out but never a doubt that I love Leticia forever. It is too bad I fell into such doubts about being together, but…
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February’s End
2005Feb25 There have been so many thoughts, many lost, and with too much repetition or hesitance on my part with some. Women, love, life, art…the list goes on – I have to make a separate folder for each theme! The work I’ve set about doing is to heal myself, but the ramifications involve others. I’ve…
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Another Rainy Day
2005Feb27 Another rainy day, a cliché of self-righteousness – or unresolved sorrow sewn tight by years and miles – a challenging friendliness to everything today, but my journals are complete (all in one place) and I’m back on the task of transcribing. Still no clear vision of what will come from my truths.
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Struck Dumb
2005Mar02 I am struck dumb by the repetitive nature of my emotional trials. To this day I struggle with the same issues I wrote about four years ago. It’s not with dismay that I reflect on the depth of my own thought, but with awe. I cannot define myself. I thought I could. But with…
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Motel Evening
2005Mar03 (Poem) Motel Evening Slow drive went quickly With a race to get home Too fast – Too far away It wasn’t quite an escape Caught by the net (Or was it a web) There was never a predator Or malice behind smiling The laughter didn’t have to be Nervous (hiding from failing) Antidote to…
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Motel Morning
2005Mar03 Thursday morning with Jen in Grants Pass [motel] How could my one isolated experience with Leticia, nearly four years ago, still affect me? Still celibate six months after just seeing her in passing. I had to see her again. I thought I was going crazy. I was crazy (maybe still am). If only I…
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Recurring
2005Mar05 Swirled words on a Saturday night, Mixed emotions, And blended time frames. Artwork creating being Recurring, episodic acquaintances Friendly, but challenging Destined transience Planted seeds There’s a shifting in the energetics of the situation Motion, emotion Memories of promises to come And dreams of wishes made true
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Elliptical Attraction
2005Mar09 Games of jealousy Resistance designed To be released – A controlled inevitability …and with so much passion Ricocheted arrows With a recoiled touch Make a pass Held back and drawn close Without any need for reason Elliptical attractions Ebb and flow High and low With not much in between Today is a season Found…
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Mystery Rant
2005Mar11 Friday It’s approaching the close of another chapter in this mystery (my life), wrought with so much clandestine activity the foreshadowing of my future is hazy. It hinges on no one in particular, but the undercover lives of the majority here obscures the blatency of the truth in this town. “You’re either a friend…
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Helpless
2005Mar12 I wish I had the words to express the utter hopelessness I feel from the homeless population here in Eureka. There are so many impossible dreams, ill humor to counterbalance their futility, and efforts wasted on manipulating people to facilitate shortcuts.
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Voluminous
2005Mar21 Voluminous So many words processed, I’ve transcribed forty thousand so far (another 10,000 to go). I am sick from a venomous spider, paranoid that my enemies are somehow responsible. What better solution could there be but to keep me from walking. They are still trying to push me out. My saving grace is the…