I wonder if you’re aware that 25 years have passed since we met. You told me you would love me forever, and I gave my heart to you. We never kissed. I only held you once before you left town. 9/11 followed just after that and I made my way to Washington DC to be there for you, but you didn’t need me. You were with another guy caring for you and I was left out for the holidays. So I returned to California to work on myself, knowing I would see you again and convinced we would be together someday. I struggled with everything as I had started drinking again. When you came back it was with another boyfriend and I fell apart. This was the beginning of the game that involved chalk arrows, license plates, t-shirts, and messages hand written on dirty cars, among other clever ways to communicate. I still don’t understand why you couldn’t talk to me, except that it had to do with your job. I just looked forward to being with you and kept protesting the people who kept us apart. I looked forward to going for a walk with you and talking with you. To this day, it is still what I want and it’s the only thing I’ve ever asked of you. I thought you wanted me, or would, if I had my life together. But that had failed. After a few years, all the peripheral messaging and lack of social support had taken its toll and I retreated here to Oregon where I was born and raised. That was almost 20 years ago, and I still don’t know why you followed me here if you didn’t want to be with me. I think you know how far I went to be available for you. You’re the reason I started a website and got my first laptop so I could publish poetry from the back of my van, the whole reason I got a cell phone to begin with. Here, I was able to get a roof over my head and I’m sure you’re aware I’ve been living on the same property since I returned. The problem is, all the cryptic messages and social manipulations have not stopped. What I once thought was a romantic game, I now think of as stalking. The same people I protested rule the property I live on and the invasions of privacy continue, along with the exploitation of whatever I say and do – its clearly not with my best interest in mind. And you, Leticia, have paraded one man after another in front of me. Apparently, you keep getting involved with the businesses I like, a coffeehouse, the chowder place, a restaurant, and most recently 7-11? Then I get alienated. I stand corrected about officer 891 in my recent post, though he did deter me from pursuing further legal action here when he (or any officer) should have referred me to the appropriate legal resources. That should have happened many years ago, and the abuses continue here. You are an enabler of many abusers in my life, with each new guy taking his turn to harass me, and I have every reason to believe you have helped people exploit me. It was you in that apartment in Philomath. I still don’t understand how you and so many of your friends work as police officers or are involved with the legal system, and also involved with drugs since before they were all but legal. It’s insane the amount of scrutiny I go through just for putting a stuffed monkey on my dashboard, while watching your friends trafficking for decades. And me, sober for 14 years! It seems you’ve done well at this game, financially. Now is it On Out at the local 7-11? The Farmer’s Market? The local airport? California and the Oregon Coast, too? And if you’re the source of messaging to fix me up with someone else, please stop. It’s bad enough I have to deal with those trying to keep me from being with anyone at all. I would like to think you care about me and that you’re well intentioned, but it doesn’t seem that you have a very high opinion of me. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t simply reject me and move on instead of stalking me and leading me on. Or, if you ever wanted to be with me, why you wouldn’t come talk to me. You never have told me you wanted me, never reached out to hold me again, but you never let me go. And that’s not love. I have exhausted my resources asking for answers and I wake up feeling abandoned and cheated. I think I’m too broken for a relationship with anyone, at this point. No one has been there for me for too many years. I’m too needy and I don’t trust anyone. Meddling behind the scenes does not make things better. My life is together, otherwise, and I’m succeeding financially. So, for now I’ll continue to ignore the problems I cannot solve and will not accept, and I’ll continue to wait. Obviously, the situation between us will have to change and I deserve some answers. Either you will come talk to me, or you can keep out of my personal life. I’m done playing games. Please stop.