2005Mar21

Voluminous

So many words processed, I’ve transcribed forty thousand so far (another 10,000 to go). I am sick from a venomous spider, paranoid that my enemies are somehow responsible. What better solution could there be but to keep me from walking. They are still trying to push me out. My saving grace is the understanding that these people act with their own interests in mind. Don’t ask. Don’t tell. They are no longer trying to kill me, but it’s not over. They think I don’t know, that I’m oblivious to what I’ve seen. And if I do tell, there would be revenge. I cannot put my friends and family at risk, but I’ve no credibility with those educated enough to help. There is no authority I can turn to without compromising the control I’ve gained over the situation. I am dug in. Leticia and Alina are in danger, but there’s time yet to position myself accordingly. So far, I am on top of my deadlines. I have yet to make any predictions for the summer, but could as easily find myself here for life as I could end up gone, never to return. There is a larger issue here (larger than Leticia or money), that is, the other children in the community. The future of the youth in Arcata is at risk, and what I know can help. Still, my thoughts are overwhelming and the information I have is too complex to fit into an anonymous phone call. I hope, in the conclusion of this episode, a few well placed letters will satisfy my need to help. I pray there will be a better opportunity for me to express myself in the coming months. Until then, I continue to sort through the chronology of events. I still haven’t decided what to do about names. The sheer volume of pages, the vast number of people – Those four years were a lifetime.

I’m with Bev now, content with all the basic sustenance I need. I trust her and I feel safe in her presence, despite her chaotic life. I’m wanted by her and I’ve really needed to be wanted by somebody. The temptation to sleep with her is continuous, but I don’t want to fuck up our friendship. That, and I have to move on (probably soon). Sex would undeniably make that harder as I know I won’t fall in love with her. After even just the briefest glimpse of perfection, I can never love another like I do Leticia. Unconditional.