skysurfer.media

2004Apr18 (Poem)

2004Apr18 (Poem)
Sunday
Mixed blessings with the computer –
Transition time with writing and life….
Just beginning to understand (see) some of my rhythms and cycles….
Streamlining, organizing.

Today’s thought: Emotions are the evolution of love.

Whose heart feels me….
Being in thought, action and deed
Love sleeps in a quiet breath –
No need for words,
No thoughts of death
Beauty survives all conflict
As light meets my eyes
In a nourishing glance
I feel you, silently
Movements of emotion
Form this life’s dance
And I write now
In honor of your presence

April 18, 2004
2004Mar16

2004Mar16
Tuesday
I don’t want to be the only man left to choose. I want to be chosen over all others. There will be no rape, pillage or plunder. I have subdued the conquerer in me. I refuse to take a mate, rather that she gives herself to me. Happiness is a ruse – becomes a farce in life – when a person tries to arrange the critical elements of their own satisfaction…. Contrived like a stolen apple not one given by the tree. And the significant details once desired, now constructed, become thorny reminders of one’s discontent. I have lived this way before and I know how pride becomes an obstacle to resolve…. And how much energy is consumed by trying to make small corrections…. How much time is spent avoiding problems. Relationships like this are doomed to destruction, or some worse fate but it’s never pretty. Beauty, in all it’s divinity, is found most purely when love is true. The perfection of a flower cannot be replaced, nor will tricks to the emotion suffice. I only want Leticia. All else is fraud, regardless of the particulars.

March 16, 2004
2004Mar16 (Poem)

2004Mar16 (Poem)
Tuesday

Particulars….
Blurred and blended sweet nothings
Rearing and ready to bite
Hollow core, solid feel
Gives way to an anticlimactic release –
Several meaningless lies were told out of hope
(And an unspoken hopelessness).

March 16, 2004
2004Mar15

2004Mar15
Monday
Serendipity? What madness this world conceales behind thoughtful yearning and unfulfilled desires! Master plan? There’s chaos, only seems random…. Truth is a sentiment that cannot be broken by situation of wishful thinking. My life would be so much simpler if I didn’t have such powerful feelings for Leticia, but it’s not my feelings that seem to be causing problems. I wait. I dream. How much simpler can it get? Here I sit near a woman who wants me (rather undeniably, though she tries), working today is Jesse (perfect being), I’m writing – life is good but then why do I want a pile of rubies? I wonder if Leticia thinks of me, if she wants to see me. I hope things are well in her life, that Alina is well, and that there will be room for me to share my life with them both. And what a life it is! From one perspective I’m a waste – I’ve failed and must spend what time I have left redeeming myself. But from another perspective I’ve accumulated so many valuable experiences, I’ve achieved survival and become an authority on living – my sense of purpose has been charged by love and my concepts of life and God are ever-expanding. My approach to energy has shifted, too. I found my strength and have become more responsible for my actions (or lack of). I still don’t know if I will see Leticia, but I am content just knowing I am here for her. I pray that she wants me and I hope all the recent attention I’ve been getting is not God’s way of consoling me. I pray that I’m being readied and that I will be able to give her everything. It may sound impossible, may be impossible, but I’ve already given her my heart and I want to give her more. Even if it means never having a partner, never settling, I remain hers. I am beyond attaching logical reasoning to my emotion. None of this makes sense on paper – and so much paper! My love for Leticia has never needed explanation. It’s true. There is no one else with whom I feel so content, even as I miss her more with each passing day. It’s as if I’ve reached the threshold of my yearning and still I wait. I’m no longer frightened by the fact that I may wait forever. I love her forever more.

March 15, 2004
2004Feb13 (Poem)

2004Feb13 (Poem)
Friday

It’s autonomic
Non-egocentric
There’s a pulse
To be found
In the spacing of the text
A letter has more than one location
Or it would just be a design
And that spiral beat
Is like a photograph
Of a thousand words
Now with twice as many syllables
Meaning out of control
And intent veiled by language

It’s limitation
And liberation
There’s a gift
To be taken
From the hollow, empty nest
A feather made of so many fibers
Could not be reduced to a name
With each varied line
Responsive to recomposure
In an infinite many
Forming groups and then reforming
Movement appreciated
Flight itself confounds explanation

It’s a rhythm
And an emotion
To satisfy
One’s motive
Requires a redistribution
A sound spoken should be heard

February 13, 2004
2004Jan29 (Poem)

2004Jan29
Thursday

Rumors and reputations
Kind glance, contemplative stare
The events of last night
Still cause my soul to recoil
I am not lost this morning
In my deviated routine
Different place, different coffee
Same notebook and pen
I am home
Trepedatious and tenuous
Like a sprout newly born
Delicate, maybe frail
But firmly planted
How do I appear?
Thematic changes
No longer willing to dare
Dramatic chances
For a pittance
Life is not that short
My path is not so narrow
Broad swatch of fabric
Woven from the same thread
Knowingly placed above, shading
Showing nothing but a contoured shadow
A blob of being reflected
In some reversed echo
Emanating from my head
But my vision is clearing
And fear itself is as trivial
As it is impersonal

January 29, 2004
2004Jan28 (Poem)

2004Jan28 (Poem)

Empty promise of rest
In a tipped over bottle
Washed out, washed over
Rain floods as a door slams
Unclean like a puddle
Of fresh blood blown through the screen
And there was no value anywhere
But for the substance of worthlessness
Not much left to share

[Finish later]

January 28, 2004
2004Jan27 (Poem)

2004Jan27 (Poem)
Tuesday

Appreciation
Something broke tonight.
The thinly veiled lie
Concealed behind her tambourine smile,
Flashed a bolt of truth, and died.
Revealed by a syrum of pride,
Alcoholic echoed screams,
Pretense filled with stilted words,
And too many unfulfilled dreams.

Baby can’t scream so loud
Baby’s trying
Baby’s crying
Baby’s hitting tonight

January 27, 2004
2004Jan25 (Poem)

2004Jan25 (Poem)

Memories of Arizona
[Native American Flute]

Solemnity
Torporous silence
Breaks away from solidity
Becomes flightful
In a sound that reflects the echo
The void
The vessel of music
Sparable being

January 25, 2004
2004Jan23 (Poem)

2004Jan23 (Poem)
Friday

Idle as a
Tamborine smile

With only a flash
Of an unmanifestable
Dream

It’s that monotonous trudge
That takes you an extra mile
Away from inevitable collapse
Implosion
An incarcerated scream

A self-destructed vagabond
Leaning against a pole
With a sign that reads
“Move on. I’m one you’ll never know”

And an unbreakable hope
Nested deep within a truth
That isn’t at all what it might seem
Flown and hidden
Because the cover on this book is old
Tattered, torn, smalls like mold
But there’s a new word in chapter three

And it doesn’t matter
If it’s too easy
To fall into make believe

Your life is a well chosen note in a piece of music composed of rests, mostly

Nobody controls time
The whole earth cannot influence the sun
Nobody spends time
Because nobody owns it
Time is a flow
Contiguous with life as we know it
The fallacy is that we are masters
But the truth
Is that we’re just a conduit

They are all the same poem

Because (?)

She was too close to call
Flow, pace
No point of reference
To this place called self
Is unseen reverence

Secrecy engulfed
By reason of sanity

Hollowed out of warmth
Confined by a need to be free

January 23, 2004
2004Jan23 (Poem3)

2004Jan23 (Poem3)

A premonition
Peacock to proud for it’s own self
Feathers stretched to the limit
Phoenix twisted flame
Chrome delirium
A bluff behind her tambourine smile
The sun never rose
And yet the silence must end
Heirlooms of reason
Thrusting smoke within
Ineffective vision
Won’t wait –
Won’t win by staying in trial

January 23, 2004
2004Jan23 (Poem2)

2004Jan23 (Poem2)

Imagery is deceptive or it wouldn’t be beautiful

Penetrated
Punctuated
Exercise in writing without words
No need for idols
Surreptitious and
Sublime
Insidious fiction
Folded with a crease
Mountainous
Madness
Tense and pretentious
Pretense
Born ugly
And naked
And empty
Set in motion
Toward a desired end
Covered up
Thinly veiled crack in the brick
Showing light through artifice
And within
Still empty
Seed of knowledge
Ready to burst
Makes way through illness
Inviting aim
Like this void is a target
Poised
Posed
A hurled razor thought
Shreds itself
As emotional currency lands on paper

Can’t I get enough of these fake, fallow letters stacked up to resemble meaning? How pointless (still poigniant) words are – an addiction of thought. Writing is the act of striving to manifest being.

When ‘I’ is not enough

We say ‘Is’
We say ‘His’
We say ‘This’
And, soon, ‘What about me?’

Disect it and you’ll find nothing.
The implication of meaning is lost
In the proximity of separation.
There is a substance
Between giving and getting
Between the lines of sound
There is feeling
They’re all translations of the same (the only) unspeakable poem.

Listen to the null
The lull of the stationary

Filling a black hole
Or a bottomless glass
Is easier than it sounds
Filling one effectively in impossible.

Unbound constraint
This world (my world)
Has no need for hinges
Has no walls
No joining of different pieces
No water to span

Riveted by love
Stilled by wreckless abandon

January 23, 2004
2004Jan22 (Poem)

2004Jan22 (Poem)
Thursday

Indeterminate

Veritable attributes
Of the queen of cups
Found in every woman
A word of hope
In a lexicon of sex
Is flirtation
Anticlimactic
Because
She’s not here

Like each sparkle
In every eye
Emanates from her
And I have walked
Trudged across a spectrum
From ‘anyone’ who will
To here where I know there will be one
And while now there are many
Soon there will be no one else
And my soul will be fulfilled

Leticia, I miss you.

January 22, 2004
2004Jan14 (Poem)

2004Jan14 (Poem)
Wednesday

Clarity
Organized thought

Loveless dissolution
Integrated half-truths
Solemn vow
Unspeakable secret

January 14, 2004
2003Oct12 (Poem+)

2003Oct12 (Poem+)

High mountain morning sun
Wind swept, textured sky
Aspen chatter, fire crackles
And even coffee can’t break the stillness that is everywhere.

I worry about money, my dogs, my teeth – but I just need someone to love me. This unspoken solitude must be destroyed – if not by God then by a woman – or I’ll drink my last dollar, drag my dogs through the desert and starve my soul of words forever. Without a stable source of inspiration my creativity will certainly dwindle, though my drive surges at this time in life. I may implode or explode, but will never be the same, cannot do much more than survive alone…. No reason, no reward. My spirit is feeble. I need family.

Disjointed, semi-stifled strings of sound –
Instrument without an audience
Sing or scream, it does not matter
Isolation is abandonment of the masses
A lost poet is found dying, not living
Disrupted, then discarded, driven to drink
Because society prefers the value of a bum
Over the threat of a visionary.

[evening]

What passion lies dormant and definable?
A reclusive fire isn’t burning
My heart is an ember too hot for touching
And yet dwindling under pressure
Unquenchable, unstable, liable to explode
There is an inevitable release
Trapped by fear from mind, from thought
It’s as if emotional scar tissue
Must still scab and flake,
Not likely to be graceful – the armor of love –
Light as a warrior in a box becomes a bomb
Coal burning soul, pensive smoke
My body lingers and looks for escape
Yearning intimate and alone

October 12, 2003