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Leticia… Valentine’s

Happy Valentine's Day?

I would send a card, if I knew where…

And I would make plans to take you out, if I could – shall we try for a hot tub in Eugene? Is it too late? I'm not planning on going south… I don't have any plans. Maybe it's crazy but I miss you and I think about you every day – and I don't care who knows that. I just want to be with you. You are still my reason to be, my motivation, and the love of my life. While the years have not eased the longing, they've also not offered distance – I feel you present, always. I want to hold you, even if we're not naked and wet. I need to touch you to be content. I crave you. And I still don't understand why you're not here… and so, I remain available, praying that justice will prevail, for us. And if you still want me, I'm yours. Forever.

February 14, 2018
Leticia… Corvallis

Are you here? I am torn between staying and leaving, but I can't stay… and I don't know where to go. What can I do to have you in my arms again, kissing me? I am thinking I'll go to Reno, in case Nevada is better than anywhere else we've been… so many near misses, almost comical. I still need you. I crave you like nothing I've ever felt – more pure. Not like some codependent trip, not like some recreational drug – I need you like water. I love you. I want to touch you, taste you, and breathe you in. I want to hold you. No need to talk. California, Mexico, anywhere… I'll be there for you. I've always been yours, really. Will you be mine? You tell me, when and where…

Indigo

August 30, 2017
Leticia… Forever.

I wake up thinking about you every day, just as I go to bed, but I want to wake up next to you. I want to sleep with you. I think of every decision I might have made differently. I think of what opportunities there may be to be together again. I see you in everyone and everywhere, except that you're not there in body. I don't know where to go or what to do, but I need to be with you again. I need to feel you in my arms and have your arms around me again. I think of places from 10 years ago where I might still go, and new places, but I don't know where you are. I feel you, but I need you to touch me. I hear you in every song on every radio, but I need to hear your voice, whispering in my ear – I want you.

The energy between us is so potent. Remember Hiouchi? Your approach turned me on more than I can express, and I emerged from my campsite to see you – the Luna car – pulling away, leaving me empty. So close. So many other times, too. I've glimpsed you up the street from my place, even, so I know you know where I live… but I don't know if you live here in Corvallis, travel for work, or just come to visit. And I don't know if the intensity of my feelings for you have anything to do with proximity, or just purity. I just know I still want you as much as I did the first time I saw you. And I still don't understand why we can't meet in broad daylight, or ever anywhere, without all the cloak-and-dagger craziness that makes love feel criminal.

I almost left for Humboldt this early morning, was going to take a friend's car, but I'm stuck with the jeep and I can't afford it. I had imagined camping on the beach, staying for the weekend, and finally having you with me. I've thought about going to Reno, too, that maybe it'smore feasible in Nevada to love and be loved than it is in California, legally. Mexico is on the list, as well, and I have plans to spend Christmas through New Year's in Puerto Vallarta. Then, I was thinking I'd walk to Canada, maybe with you? I know, it's a very long walk…

My dreams of you help pass the time while I keep waiting, wherever I am. But the fact is, I'm stuck in a toxic mobile home, with toxic neighbors in a deteriorating neighborhood, where I've been for many years… and I have nobody I can count on. The possibility of us being together seems impossible from every angle, and yet that sense of destiny is still there. Even when I'm not feeling desirable, as is often the case, I still hold on to hope. The thoughts of us together are effortless. True love simply can't be hopeless, ever.

When we first met, you'll remember, I lacked the self-confidence to make eye contact, and shied away from the most attractive women – even you, who I can't let go of… but I felt you were out of my league, that I couldn't possibly win the affection of a woman as beautiful as you. My journal began, Dear God, how could you do this to me!? Oh, woe is me for having seen the most beautiful woman in the world – I looked like some mountain man, unshaven and half drunk, and felt undeserving … and then the journal transits to, Dear God, I deserve better than this, the struggle and the sacrifice, all that I'm willing to do and the distances I would go, to still not have something so meant to be?!

And now, I am spent. Sober, more stable, more confident, but spent. I scheme up new ideas, replay all that I can remember, and waste whole days just daydreaming. I often wonder if it's too late, or if we were ever really meant to be. True love is rare. I hesitate, as I don't know where you are or what you're doing. I imagine you've moved on, more successfully than I was able, and that I've missed my chance… and then, every time, God Laughs and reminds me, there's no such thing as luck. And you're there.

So it is, I don't know when, where, or how we will be, just that I love you – and that, forever, will never change. I remain convinced that true love conquers all, and that we'll find a way… even when I leave this place, maybe someday soon, wherever I go, I'll be there for you. I think about you every day, and I miss you. Just come be with me again, when you can.

Indigo

August 25, 2017
Leticia…

What an amazing and strange day it was. I haven't slept yet. The eclipse was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. All I could think about was us – I thought of two superimposed galaxies, both skies, merging like when we first connected. I held out hope for you to be there until the very end. And as the light returned, I broke down and cried uncontrollably… but I never once lost faith in love. We'll have to see another, somewhere else, some other day. Definitely somewhere else.

After a short nap, a friend came to tell me there were half a dozen cop cars on the next street. It was a suicide, I think, a man who'd been suffering from depression. Lots of traffic. One of my neighbors started throwing apples at my house later, yelling 'never, never!', and the other neighbors had emerged long enough to see the moon overshadowing the earth, but then retreated from the light, as usual. I think they're either heroin junkies or vampires, not sure. And my place is no less toxic. I have got to move.

Getting away from all, I went to see the beavers at the wildlife refuge, crossed elk, and watched the light fade… and back again this morning to watch the herons and the egrets hunting. The nutrea seem to have some kind fo deal worked out with the birds and the beavers – it's a worthy place to escape to, anytime. This morning, a smoky sky with a red sun, low ground fog, and I was full of excitement and anticipation. I just kept thinking 'today, today!', as I was dreaming of us. Did I see you in my rear view mirror?

Some emails from last night had me wound up. It was already a high energy day. I tried to sleep but to no avail… needless to say, you're on my mind. I have never yearned for anyone like this. It sounds crazy, I know. Over sixteen years, I think we're the only ones who know the whole story – or could. There's been so much slander. In the last decade, I've had chronic problems with my neighbors framing me for crimes, exploiting an already undeserved reputation, and doing what they can to disrupt my social life. I still don't know why. Forget about liasons. All I really want is to be with you.

When I first came to Corvallis more than a decade ago, people thought I hated cops – which has never been true. They thought they couldn't talk to me, only near me. And to this day, professionals treat me like I'm some kind of sociopathic, paranoid delusional. Then there's the military, which I don't understand at all. Apparently women are told I might kill them? Getting dates has not been easy for whatever reasons, the biggest being my longing for you. The social issues here don't all come from Humboldt, though. I did suffer from alcohol psychosis – that basically means I get crazy when I drink, which isn't the same as being a serial killer. And I do have PTSD – there are many misconceptions about that. A more accurate diagnosis for me might be PANDAS, complete with obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and I have chronic problems with inflamation that led to bouts of meningitis before I got it under control. My adrenals don't work like they used to, and I run low on cortisone. There's enough to feed someone's fear of me, whatever the case, but the illness of my character is simply false – and I never had social problems before Humboldt, even if I do have a weak social identity.

So, setting the record straight is about having the God-Given right to walk down the street with you, but requires you to make things right. Leticia, I love you. I've never wanted anyone so much. I need you. I actually need you. I don't think I can let you go, honestly. And why would I want to? I need your help. And, you're the most beautiful woman in the world. Bonus. Beyond that, I love your emotional creativity, your pureness, and the not so emotional stuff, too… ironically, I think I need to meet with you, in order to get things right, so that me may have the right to meet, should we want.
It's my understanding that you are under a contract that prohibits you from being with me, but I don't know who you work for and I've never seen anything in writing, giving me a valid explanation or due process. I do believe you want to be with me, as we've both gone to outlandish lengths to meet. I can't imagine you would want to walk away any more than I do. You are a part of me, forever, but I'm only asking for one meeting… I see you here sometimes, but I don't know if you live here. I post in Humboldt because I know you get the messages, but I don't think it really matters.
I need to touch you more than anything. I'm over my fear of what to say. And I will meet with you almost anywhere, public or private. You are welcome anywhere I go, even here, but we should go for a hot tub or get a hotel. All I need is you – your invitation, your desire. I insist, however, that we meet as equals. I suspect you're a psychologist, a law enforcer, or some kind of secret government agent – maybe all three – but I refuse to be a patient or client of yours, as that would ruin my fantasies, making you very unethical. And when it comes to the sex, I know it'll be the absolute best ever… but… are you going to want this much foreplay every time? *sigh*

Soon…

Indigo

August 22, 2017
Leticia… Eclipse

Another long walk last night and I slept better, woke up with less panic, but still missing you… it was a beautiful August evening, warm, although I felt detached, felt you distant. I still don't know where you are. This morning was pensive, nice light from the sunrise, though lackluster without you, no clouds to catch the color… looking forward to seeing the eclipse, still hoping to be with you. The thought of us saturates every day and night now, to the exclusion of almost all else. The symbolism of an eclipse, something of mystery, appropriate to our meeting but I fear you won't be there. I don't know where I'll be, anyway. I had considered the wildlife refuge, to see what the birds would do, but then there's the people… and if that's the spectacle, another walk downtown might be better… avoiding traffic, I might just stay home. I know, I make planning difficult. And I dream of you being somewhere near, even when you're not… I feel you, but I have no sense of direction. I'm overwhelmed, chronically. Maybe5 you4 want1 to3 call6 or8 text0 to8 make4 arrangements6? Anytime. I need your touch, anytime. Please, if you can and if you will! I have never known such desire… I love you, today, tonight, tomorrow and thereafter… forever.

Indigo

August 21, 2017
Leticia… Where Are You?

I keep waking up with a jolt in the middle of the night, feeling more isolated than ever. Its a strange panic – I still feel that we're meant to be, and that what's meant to be, will be… but you're not here. Sometimes, I feel you close but I have no sense of direction, and I don't know if I'm on your mind or if you're around the next corner. This is excruciating. Where are you? What are you doing? I keep thinking to write some long-winded statement to set the record straight and regain respect, that would allow us to be together, as it should be. There's been so much slander, and so much distance, that unbreakable faith and patience is trying. I have never known such yearning as I have for you. I need to actually be with you. I have this sense that I should be camping, somewhere off the grid where I might keep from going stir crazy while I wait for you, but I don't know when you might show up… and I need a more direct line of communication with you – maybe a phone call? I've come to the conclusion that in order to plan on meeting, we need an agreed upon time and place… or surprise me. And at this point, I'd take a liason to inform me or escort me. I have many ideas that might solve our problem, and the sense that the solution is stupidly simple, but I have no idea what I'm going to do. Any chance we might be together for the eclipse? Maybe I should come back to California? Or meet you in Reno? Or Mexico? Or just wait here? I'm only posting in Humboldt because I know you'll get the message… want my number? Wherever you are, just know that I love you and I miss you.

August 18, 2017
Leticia… Missed

What a long, empty weekend, alone and missing you. I would happily be wherever you are… so, where are you? I have become completely consumed by thoughts of you… I go for long drives, still trying to sort out all that's happened, wishing you were there, only momentarily distracted by nature's beauty while I dream of a future for us… and you're everywhere. Something happened on my last trip to Humboldt, perhaps you're aware of? I've lost interest in anyone else. I can't stand the thought of you with anyone else, and not knowing what's happened with you is driving me crazy – the last few nights, sleepless. Weekends are usually this way, no plans and not feeling wanted by anyone, but I've passed most days entertaining myself with whatever I find along the way, and that's just not good enough, anymore. I play guitar, I pace, I go for a drive when I can't stand being here – and I hate my house. I'm trapped between two terribly undesirable realities… there isn't a day that goes by that I don't fantasize about going for a walk with you. And most days, I think about selling everything I own and walking away from this place, to be with you…
But, I have this problem… see, I don't know where you are and I don't know what you look like. I know, I wrote about the indelible image of you, etched on the forefront of my brain, and it's true, but now I don't know what color your hair is. I think I owe a blonde (with dreads?) an apology, too, but you had dark hair a decade ago… and that you may have changed your name, really makes it difficult. Then, I had a frightening thought – over the years of posting random messages, what if more than one Leticia has fallen in love with me? I mean, that would explain some of the contradicting responses… go north… go south… could I just have your phone number? The zero day attack on my smart device expired and it works again. I could call you, and maybe we could make an arranegement to meet… like normal people?

My predicament is simple. I don't know where you are. I don't know what you look like. I don't even know if you want me… but I need you. I feel you, and my life is not complete without you. It's the greatest injustice of all that we are not together, and I just don't know what to do about it. I think the world would be a better place with us together, and that things won't be right until we are. Until then, I'm still scheming for a solution, waiting here for you.

August 13, 2017
Humboldt… really?!

Wow, after singing praises for the kindness that lives in Humboldt, after a beautiful sunset, friends or friendliness, good morning coffee, a nice drive, and a good walk, I found a wonderful place to take a nap, even if I wasn't with Leticia… and someone just had to go and steal my blue guitar. Really?! I loved that guitar! The night before it had been a loaf of bread, and the night before that a bag of bagels, but those incidents I had blamed on a four-legged, ground animal – the culprit of the guitar was certainly human. And yet, in the same spirit of acceptance and forgiveness, I found myself hoping it was appreciated, wherever it had gone… I know, it probably got traded for a bag of drugs, or it'll end up hidden away in someone's closet out of shame. And I'm partly to blame. It was the only thing I showed off and bragged about, and I did leave it unattended in my jeep without doors. I have to wonder if this is a metaphor for the love of my life. But why shouldn't I share beauty, even if I don't intend for it to be taken from me. I mean, it was a well-crafted instrument, with a slim, curved body, a cutaway, and inlaid mother of pearl. Photos could not capture it's strength or character. Everybody liked that guitar. And it's more blue-green than blue, ironically. Maybe I shouldn't complain… they did leave behind a far more expensive radio, a laptop, camera equipment which I had with me, and guns that I would have happily showed them had I noticed their interest in my things. Nobody tried to steal the jeep, either, so that's good. I just can't stand guard all the time and still have pictures to share, and that's what this trip was all about, the light and love – my love. So may it be, in the twistedness of fate, that my blue guitar should be left to a place that has taken everything I had to give and then some, but showed me how to love again. And this is neither a rant nor a rave, but more of a farewell to places and things, home now, where I wait, still missing her.

Indigo

August 8, 2017
Leticia… Post: Saturday

Yesterday ended the way it had begun, with subtle hues of pink and blue. The tide had come and gone, the beach made ready for another night by the fire. There was love. There was peace, even with some anticipation, and a new confidence that all would be well, that Leticia and I would meet again… to be together, as always, forever. I have never known so much love as I have known here in Humboldt, and for the overwhelming spirit of acceptance, I owe so many a thank you. Despite so much craziness, and so many misunderstandings – despite my rage, and all attempts to sabotage life as I knew it – the light finds a way to shine through the cracks here, and heal the wounds of fear and doubt. So this is a rave, for the truth that lies behind the shadows of night, beneath the brightest colors of day, for the kindness that lives here, throughout the ebb and flow of time…

Indigo

August 5, 2017
Leticia… Post: Friday

What a strange night… I felt the tears. Sitting by the fire, I could see another, and the tide separated us. The reflection was a constantly moving path, untreadable. And although I was drawn around the surf, I didn't approach. My company didn't belong in the scene, and I felt the same. I was out of place – without you. It's a strange dichotomy, that I feel I belong with you and that I'm not wanted anywhere. I feel left out. I was left out, and there never was an explanation.

There are so many misunderstandings added to all the unknowns. I realize you know a lot about me, and I know so little about you… but, I think you must be working under some false premises. I wonder what you think of me, almost as much as I wonder about you, yourself. You know, I'm not even clear about what your favorite color is – blue-green, more blue than green, or purple? And I definitely don't understand why it's taken all these years, all the distances, and the strained communications… even just to go for a walk and talk for awhile?

So, I take this sense that maybe if I write a little more, try a little harder, go a little further – maybe then we will finally be together. It's the flipside of feeling that it's my own inadequacies that have kept us apart with each narrow miss. Then, when I realize how ridiculous this is, how none of this could be entirely my fault, I blame the government, my parents, and my neighbors… but this is not about shame.
Responsibility is a constant topic – service, duty, purpose, even as I won't be judged… and I think we should talk about money and family. We should talk about sex, too – especially considering I believe we may have a child together, but we've never even kissed. Crazy, I know, but why we're not together needs to be explained to me.

So, the night cooled off, the distant fire burned down, and I thought of you until the sky became light and the pink glow of a sunrise showed the beach was empty. I wished you were there, with me. I am doing more than waiting, though – I keep scheming ways that we might meet secretly, while making the arrangement publicly. And I pace a lot. I'm always going to want you, and I haven't given up hope. Can't give up on love…

Finishing coffee in Arcata now, and more mundane errands, but I haven't got a plan. Are you even in Humboldt? It's a good place to brainstorm, anyway, but I am hoping to gain some resolve before I leave… and I will certainly write more, and take more photos, over the weekend – communication is what I'm all about, you know. Would you like to get together to share a hot tub and some body language? I want something more private than the internet, and I would meet you anywhere. I need to see you, and hear you, and touch you – I need you, not anybody else. It's still true, I will love you forever, today, tomorrow, and forever more, however that may manifest… so, good morning. I hope we both find clarity, as the fog lifts.

Indigo

August 4, 2017
Leticia… Post: Thursday

I am overwhelmed with emotion – and the illogic of it all! I cannot begin to express my thoughts, but I turn to words as usual… Leticia! I need you! I am torn in half without you… my heart seeths in pain when I think of you with someone else, and I think you feel the same way about me. And yet, you never have told me you want me – something I really need to hear… and so I wait, and pray, and plead… and then I compromise with myself, and find a solution between head and heart that says I deserve to be loved, and touched, and you must want me to move on… and so I try, giving in to some convenient lover, taking whatever affections are offered – and then I fail. I find myself unavailable, feeling that I've sold myself short, realizing how much I really just want you – and do I not deserve your love? How can I sabotage the slightest chance of being with you, letting someone else fill the space? Nobody can replace you. Convenient or not, I love you. I am sorry if I've ever made you jealous, and for my own jealousy. It's true, I want you all to myself. In 15 years, this has not changed – I let you go if you want anyone else, but I still want you. Could you please just meet with me to talk? Or not talk? Don't worry about what you'll say or do – I don't know, either. I just need to be with you. Honestly, I know it will be good. There was a time when I was not so sure, when we suffered from my low self-esteem and lack of confidence, when fear created doubt. Now, I know. I realize the past has been full of apprehensions, even apart from whatever the current situation is, but some things have changed for both of us. Please, no more liasons and cryptic messages – I just want you. Haven't I waited long enough? Forgive me for my selfishness, please. I still don't feel the need to hide my feelings for you, and I still don't understand all the secrecy in your life. My position is simple – this is God's Will that we met, so let no man separate us… nothing else makes sense. If you want me, if you love me, just come be with me. Until then, I'll keep waiting…

August 3, 2017
Wrinkled Time

November 29 2016

From the mouth of the cave at Moonstone, it occurred — rainbows have no end. And their tendency to appear and disappear makes hunting them almost hopeless. But, as rainbows always happen at a hundred and twenty seven degrees
from the sun, in Winter they tend to lurk to the North. This is how the tour came full circle, anyway, with one arc of color after another, all the way back into Oregon.

It was a cold weekend, a damp chill, wrought with feelings of abandonment and isolation. Decade-old patterns of homelessness and alcoholism, familiar in a sad, nostalgic way, served no purpose now, replaced by better values and a different set of needs. To meet a pretty girl at the Community Forrest, an afternoon soak at Finnish Country, the first rainbows at Mad River, and coffee offered warmth. Arcata hasn’t changed much.

The chalk arrows and hearts have all been washed away by the rain. Hundreds, if not thousands, of miles walked — Leticia, valued higher than a pot of gold… or rubies. The cryptic nature of the place, reticent echoes of something infinite, and the vulnerability of thinking blurred by beer; the point of no return was passed, just to be heard. There was still no sense of being wanted.

The last day brought an unforeseen friend, though transience limits the depth of any interaction. An interesting reflection, Sam was such a connection ten years ago, a shared appreciation for something timeless (and the same name). There were many missed connections. So many names, memories, unmanifest dreams… perhaps the trip should have been longer?

There was no closure, just the presence of alternate paths and the foreshadowing of eternity diffracted by the sky. Rainbows, it turns out, are made of love. Because love, even in a storm, is made of light.

November 29, 2016
Voluminous

2005Mar21

Voluminous

So many words processed, I’ve transcribed forty thousand so far (another 10,000 to go). I am sick from a venomous spider, paranoid that my enemies are somehow responsible. What better solution could there be but to keep me from walking. They are still trying to push me out. My saving grace is the understanding that these people act with their own interests in mind. Don’t ask. Don’t tell. They are no longer trying to kill me, but it’s not over. They think I don’t know, that I’m oblivious to what I’ve seen. And if I do tell, there would be revenge. I cannot put my friends and family at risk, but I’ve no credibility with those educated enough to help. There is no authority I can turn to without compromising the control I’ve gained over the situation. I am dug in. Leticia and Alina are in danger, but there’s time yet to position myself accordingly. So far, I am on top of my deadlines. I have yet to make any predictions for the summer, but could as easily find myself here for life as I could end up gone, never to return. There is a larger issue here (larger than Leticia or money), that is, the other children in the community. The future of the youth in Arcata is at risk, and what I know can help. Still, my thoughts are overwhelming and the information I have is too complex to fit into an anonymous phone call. I hope, in the conclusion of this episode, a few well placed letters will satisfy my need to help. I pray there will be a better opportunity for me to express myself in the coming months. Until then, I continue to sort through the chronology of events. I still haven’t decided what to do about names. The sheer volume of pages, the vast number of people – Those four years were a lifetime.

I’m with Bev now, content with all the basic sustenance I need. I trust her and I feel safe in her presence, despite her chaotic life. I’m wanted by her and I’ve really needed to be wanted by somebody. The temptation to sleep with her is continuous, but I don’t want to fuck up our friendship. That, and I have to move on (probably soon). Sex would undeniably make that harder as I know I won’t fall in love with her. After even just the briefest glimpse of perfection, I can never love another like I do Leticia. Unconditional.

March 21, 2005
Helpless

2005Mar12

I wish I had the words to express the utter hopelessness I feel from the homeless population here in Eureka. There are so many impossible dreams, ill humor to counterbalance their futility, and efforts wasted on manipulating people to facilitate shortcuts.

March 12, 2005
Mystery Rant

2005Mar11

Friday

It’s approaching the close of another chapter in this mystery (my life), wrought with so much clandestine activity the foreshadowing of my future is hazy. It hinges on no one in particular, but the undercover lives of the majority here obscures the blatency of the truth in this town. “You’re either a friend or a fed”, someone said to me. Arcata’s homeless task force is breaking down and people’s psycho-spiritual needs are still not being met. There’s a weak focus on ethics and morality – so weak that the rule seems to be ‘whatever one can get away with’ and the ends justify the means when one’s reputation is at stake. There’s a wave of narcissism (and liberal, at that) which takes precedence over individual emotional concerns. The fact is, individuals are not valued here above their replaceable qualities. There’s a prevalent attitude of ‘move on, gypsy’ after the work is done but before the worker’s expectations are met. Given lies and false hope, the exploitation of those seeking and stumbling is rewarded. A strong moral character is not valued…..

[to be continued]

March 11, 2005