skysurfer.media

2001Aug15
My thoughts are consumed by Leticia. My heart reaches out for her and the connection I feel to Alina is indescribable. I want to be her father, her teacher, her friend. Still, Leticia is her mother and must be the only person whole in herself. I hope Leticia has talked to her mother. I am glad I have spoken to mine. I pray for them all. And I wish and I beg God for the honor to be a part of her life – her; my daughter, my wife, my mother – the goddess I see in Leticia, my shakti.

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What do I want? Leticia, Alina, family. So much has happened and still the image of my love is indelible, etched on my soul. I can stay here in Humboldt my whole life if I want but my only reason to be here is that I may see Leticia again. I pray for Alina and I wonder if she will ever know that I will always be there for her. I have had some hard lessons. Are they over? Have I finally died my last death? I am so impatient. I starved myself of happiness so that I could understand it. Now that I have found it as ordained by God it is the single most important reason to be alive. “What do you do for a living?” I show God’s love and he takes care of me. It pays well.

2001Jul29
[approximate date continued]

And there my moon sank into the morning fog, elegantly and beautifully, and in the west rose my Shiva, the fire within me. The moon, she left a trail of yellow, red, then purple. But as her hue faded there was the sun emitting those same colors, one after the other through cracks in the veil of distant clouds. And when his majesty was fully realized the Lord gave me a white rainbow.

The fog-filled valleys became oceans of mist with waves gently extended from the surface and sprays of slowly moving mist. Dissipating, the sea rolled up the mountain going faster and faster. First it teased us with little gems of light sweeping past our eyes. Then, as by surprise we became engulfed, enrapt in the cloud.

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A secret love? My feelings, they run too deep to express! I want to show the world the completeness, the perfection, of real love. My sadness has a name, but even that has little meaning to anyone else. My bliss, or joy, could be the part of a thousand holy books that still would not do it justice. Can photographing extravagant people really capture their soul? One can only glimpse the photographer’s full intent. Or the poet; Isn’t poetry ‘good’ when it is deeper than the comprehension of the reader?

2001Jul22
Today the miracle continues. I am moved by the grace of God as I stand in awe of the beauty around me. And there is magic everywhere I go.

2001Jul21

Secrets of the Blues Revealed

I, IV, & V, rhythm and soul is all it takes to play the blues. What I want to talk about here is the soul. Sadness, loss, grief, and pain are such powerful things that they carry the potential to destroy one’s spirit. How wonderful life would be without them! And how terrible life is when we run and hide, stress and struggle. Why even write about these things? Hmmm…. Can you accept that here in this life suffering is unavoidable? Is it? Who told you that bad things must make your heart heavy? We cannot change our emotions. We try to change who we are, but that is futile. So here is the secret – face your problems. Accept them. They will not go away, but you will discover a secret. They no longer have power over you. There is sadness but there’s no reason to cry when you can sing. The power of your soul can chase the shadows back into the darkness. Laugh at the darkness in celebration but do not mock it, do not feed it. Just dance. Dance and play. Play and you may just find the power of the blues is true happiness.

I have experienced the miracle of love. Now my life will be forever changed. Yesterday I questioned the permanence of such a beautiful, blissful gift. Today it is apparent. Psilocybe Cubensis has affected a permanent, solid, forever change. Psychedelics only appear to have transient affects – that is the illusion. What is stirred by them is real…. And only seemingly out of one’s control. My life is now full of love and magic. This is what I wanted though I was unaware of myself. My fear, my sorrow was so strong that I could not love more than I needed. That is the miracle. Not that I let go of my neediness, but that I learned to love with reckless abandon. I found my capacity to love unconditionally. The world around me reflects this as if I am acknowledged by God I know my needs will be fulfilled so long as I can accept that life is a miracle, that I am a miracle, and that love is ever present. The only failure is a choice to reject God, a choice I can no longer make. The light within now shines through. I will not turn back.
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Leticia,
I have learned so much in these last days. With you I learned to love again though my sorrow had eaten away at my heart, made me hungry for love. You showed me your soul and my love pushed through my sadness and I reached out for you. So when we held each other and cried I felt complete. We were loving each other. Now I know that the letter I had to write is this one. Thank you for restoring my faith in love. I will never forget that.