2002Jan05
This morning brings about the promise of calm in my mind. The storm is subsiding and even the cold outside has eased. Weatherford – another significant name. When I was told that everything would happen for me in Texas, well, I thought I’d never be there…. Next stop, Amarillo. I wonder if this has anything to do with Goldenrod. My situation here is comical, holed up in an apartment with nothing to do but listen to music and write. This is all I wanted when I was in Virginia. Now if I follow the advice I always give to other people I’d have to say ‘everything happens for a reason’. Was it the cold snap outside that I had to ford? Or was it the weather inside that had no conducive environment to be purged on an eighteen wheeler? Some things can only be realized alone. That seems to be what I’m attempting, to realize my life. ‘We make real what the mind can conceive’ was the slogan at a photo lab in Denver. Reality, which I have always touted as superior, is now more elusive than the ever-empty promise of potential – that which I also always loved. This apartment is filled with fantasy and fiction. This is Katrina’s lair where dreams become food for thought, not tools for destruction as they are for my mother – ironic, how she uses her dreams to codependantly counter my father’s self-righteousness. I, the king of non-fiction, have always been threatened by other people’s dreams. But just look at what a dreamer I’ve become! And you, Leticia, are the greatest dream of all. I have just come through Oklahoma City, the midpoint of the country, the point of no return. I cannot go back to you, on my knees, accommodating and submissive. I am a king from the west. How fitting that Amarillo, Texas is the gate to my kingdom, the pan handle. Once I’m in the southwest I’m home free. Free of you? I don’t want to be. I still want to be with you. I wonder what’s going to happen in Texas. Anything? It’s only a hundred and seventy miles from Oklahoma to New Mexico. Maybe I’ll catch a ride to Santa Fe and drive right through it. It’s quite possible that Amarillo will be my first chance to use a phone. I’m hoping Kiersten will say ‘Leticia came to see you’. I want you to miss me, too. Or that Rob will say ‘Leticia called and she’s worried about you’. I’m hoping this so that I can call you and say ‘Don’t worry, but if you miss me then come, let’s be together’. Wouldn’t that be funny, to meet in Amarillo, a place neither one of us wants to be in. Or maybe it’s in Texas that my fantasy of you will be shattered. A South American and a North American, a Catholic and a witch…. How could I ever have thought it possible but for the fact that I’m a dreamer. I even still think in Spanish at times. A psychic, a sister, once told me that there would be two great loves in my life – Lotta. She was the same one who told me that everything would happen in Texas – The first of these loves would be short lived and intense, she said, the second would be life long. She also said that they would be somehow connected, but she did not know how. This was seven years ago, shortly after I first dreamt of you (La Luna, El Muerto). Around the same time, another psychic told of a narrow escape (from Dawn, I presume) and of a love that involved a little girl who both was and was not my daughter. Lotta told me that the great love of my life was a woman with many names, like me.
A friend of mine once said he’d learned that the word ‘alone’ was really a compound word – ‘all one’. I think of this now as I fear isolation and I ponder the truth that all things are connected, that all people are connected. I ponder this as I ponder these words that now gush out ad infinitum as I used to have to wring them out ad nauseum. Thus far in my life I would not have considered myself a writer, though I flirted with the idea at seventeen years old before stepping out of society, after running through all of it’s corridors. This is free writing, not freedom but the search for freedom. What about purpose, voluntad? What can I do with words? My first thought that photography might not be the answer was as I watched the twin towers in N.Y. collapse. I did not want to photograph those people – neither the survivors nor the victims, though the images are to me indelible. I wanted to say something. I wanted to talk to them….to say to the pilots, “What were you thinking!” or to the victims’ families, “Don’t worry, everything will work out.” Hume talks of language only being useful if there’s an audience, a linguistic philosophy of natural language, perhaps. Language is the great connector of people, an agreed upon principle not unlike money or reality. Yet, how can I, Indigo, liberate the masses from the bondage of their own minds with mere words? Who’s going to read them? I know how transient the material world is, and how shallow the mainstream view of reality is, but what transcendental truth can come from my words if no one wants to hear them? And those who are listening, can’t they see the truth as I do all around them? It’s the same as the question of magic: black magic vs. white, love is the law, un ye harm none, etc., etc. My purpose cannot be just to serve myself nor solely to serve others. How can I be a part of the world in such a way that I am most useful? ¡Voluntad! …And still be fulfilled by what I am doing and not sacrificed? The option of quitting is now completely out of the question. And so now I find myself stuck with an outlet that has no audience. God I need to get laid! – Katrina – I was attracted to her strength immediately, though a bit unsure if I would have sex with her even if she wanted it. I was happy just to talk to her. Now words, my outlet without an audience, fall not on deaf ears but on no ears at all and all I can think about is fucking her. I want her to feel me, to listen to me. I want her to make love to me. That will probably never happen. I think I’m too passive for her and, anyway, she’s not here. I had better get out of my head and go west while I still can. Tomorrow, the sixth, is a fortuitous day to travel. Today I learned that the interstate is within walking distance. So, assuming I don’t see Kat and something weird happens, I’ll head toward Amarillo in the morning. Meanwhile, I will savor my bourbon and spend time with my dog listening to music. I have a long journey ahead of me.
[5 pages before noon!]
afternoon/evening
So I’ve met Kat’s friend Becky and it turns out Kat is a lesbian. All this time I thought she was bi because there seemed to be some attraction to me that I must say is mutual. Now Becky confirms that in fact Kat is drawn to me, but if not for sex than what is it she sees? I’m an interesting person? Well, who isn’t? I feel like she’s looking for something and maybe I can give it to her. Still, I’ve made up my mind…. If I don’t see her tonight, I’ll leave in the morning. Later I’ll pack, after another bourbon and yet another good long nap.
Saturn return – it’s about growing up, being humble, waking up from illusion – Leticia says she’s going to throw a big party when it’s over. “Welcome to my saturn return”, she says. Well, for me it’s almost over. I plan to throw a party called “welcome to my seven year integration”. There’s a dual meaning to this: The end of a seven year curse and the beginning of seven years that will be the most fun I’ve ever had culminating in my idea of heaven. What a transition this is!
My desire for freedom is testing my fear of loneliness. I wonder if I must be alone to be happy. I keep thinking that there’s someone out there for me, that I can be my extreme self with a partner. I want a life mate! I used to call Dawn that, but now I understand codependence. Now I wonder if I must choose to be alone – to take that leap of faith before I meet the right person. I’ll have to take the chance that I will always be alone. Will I have to overcome that fear before I can have to magic I crave? Maybe Rosa was right. If I can walk the straight and narrow I will have twenty women. It’s too bad Leticia has ruined me for so many. What have I been thinking! I fell in love with a Catholic and now I’m interested in a lesbian. Katrina is the first since Leticia that I would consider sleeping with – the first I would sleep with. There was Evelyn, but I understand that for what it was. Pure compassion. Great! …. The weather report says rain tonight. Why is God fucking with me? Why can’t I just have all the world at my fingertips right now?! Or do I? Is the bigger question ‘What do I want’? Well, I want Leticia but I can’t have her because she doesn’t want me. And if not for other people there is not much I want. Just a warm place to stay and food to eat is enough. Should I want all the riches in the world? Rosa says money is important. I don’t disagree, but I think money should never be the most important thing in life. This is significant to me because I have to concentrate my attention on something to achieve it. How shall I integrate the need for spiritual and material things? Certainly God does not differentiate. I always get food and a roof. I even get tobacco and alcohol, my subconscious demands. What I need, I think, is a clear focus on what I’m doing. The resources always find me. I have faith that God is on my side. Magic, yes, I am powerful – more so than most…. And now I need a purpose. Amazing! My lessons are over, or at least my primary education. Now what will I do? I answered this question to Leticia saying “I’m going home!”, but what for? To figure out what I’m going to do? I know my purpose is not place specific, but universal. Dear God, listen to me ramble! – Time for a cigarette…. And another nap…. OK 1:30am Katrina’s not here. Why am I surprised? I hope it’s not raining in the morning. I’m wiped out from writing and drinking so I’m having a beer and a last cigarette and I’ll pack in the morning. I’m sure I’ll wake up early.
