2002Aug26
That same insane craziness resounding throughout my being. What meaningful chaos. Hikah catches my attention with a solidity that shows me surrender in my heart. I think I’m falling in love with her even as my grasp on the fantasy of Leticia is wrenched loose. What pure passion manifest! Unrealized with Leticia and growing with Hikah!!! How little free choice there is as we surrender to our feelings. Is Hikah a fantasy too?
2002Jul25
Not to slip into a world of decadence but of fulfillment, rather, release – satisfaction is a shy self-indulgence as if traveling by train in a life with an infinite amount of time
2002Jul06 (Poem)
Fluttering discordant rapidity
Before my eyes a blur
Memories and visions of the future
Are the same static
Repetitive sounds
Random rhythmic events
Separated only by confusion
Understanding virtue
And a butterfly
Moving up and down
My shakti loves another
As do I – all others in fact
The core of my heart, the center of my being
Belongs to her
Although I am betrothed to the world
I, fatefully, am my own maker
Like her
Each new moment
And I pray for the fortune
To blissfully reflect in her presence again.
Please God, relieve this heartbreak.
2002Jun25
What is on the edge of being possible is most spectacular.
2002Jun24 (Poem)
[in margin, note – frame one]
Bordas De Hielo, Cesar Vallejo
[bracketed – frame two]
Tears
Are pearls
Flowing as if
Flowering
In a succession
Of spheres
Echoed and reflected
In a cavern
Filled with the
Darkness that exists
Between water and ice
[boxed – frame three]
Is there passion in the stillness left behind by movement?
2002Jun23 (Poem)
Critical diffusion
Confused inside
An ill mind
Definition
Becoming in question
Thoughtless rogue
Like one strand of a rope
Hanging from the brain
Tied to a brick
Motion
Emotion
Still falling
Almost hitting ground
My anxiety
I don’t own
And my soul is a fool
Locked in a room
Sitting on a throne
While my heart bleeds to death.
2002Jun06
Mushrooms
What new thing could I see in the cards or in my head that would be comparable to that which I have already seen.
My heart aches for you.
[from previous page, no date]
Where they can easily forget their pain.
Slippery words are like stone puppets at a Sunday matinee.
Diplomat
To be centered and aware
Balanced, independent, and free.
2002May13
Mt thoughts are of Leticia today. It’s been almost a year now that I’ve been thinking of her everyday. I haven’t spoken with her since Thursday – my heart aches! – and my whole day is engulfed with yearning I’ll call her this afternoon – it’s all I can think about. I just want to be with her. There is no cause for loneliness here in Humboldt. I know so many people I can’t even leave my house if I’m looking for solitude. And yet my spirit feels isolated, three thousand miles distant from the source of her love. I am undeniably in love with her, my shakti. My feelings of inadequacy are challenged by my need, rather, my desire to be everything for her. And I miss Alina… children grow so fast and I fins it unfathomable (unthinkable!!!) and apparent that each day without her is a loss. I want so much to be an important part of their lives. What can I do but await an invitation? Now that we speak regularly I feel this will reach a resolve. I cannot imagine what will happen if I find I am unwanted. I’m afraid it would kill me as I am prone to self-destruction as it is. There is no shortage of single, attractive women here in Humboldt. Every week I meet four or five women I could have if I wanted them – beautiful women; writers, artists, travelers – lonely and looking. Still I have not met anyone as beautiful as Leticia. I pray to God that she is my destiny or I may be forever alone. Oh how my heart bleeds!!! I hope it is not the death of me. There is nothing worse than the misery of unrequited love. Dear God, save me.
2002May09
Thursday
[wrong date in journal]
What an interesting world this is! I haven’t been writing recently, so I’m not sure where to start… here, I guess. Should I waste this energy on expulsing the angst I have toward the injustices of the world? Dawn is back (bitch!!!), after stealing from me and, as well, I got ripped off by a mechanic (I thought he was a mechanic), and someone I thought was a friend now refuses to pay the $300 he owes me. I suppose my thoughts are all about how I will facilitate my material reality hereforth. Firstly, I’m thinking about money. The truth is, I need money – maybe not as much as when I was in D.C., but nevertheless. If I had money I would not be so dependant on other people, but where does money come from if not from people. The irony is that here people would rather buy produce from you rather than
[cut off, unended]
2002May06
3:30am
At last, the most beautiful woman in the world has called me, lifted my spirit from self-pity, and has given me hope as always.
2002May~~
[between May13 and May30]
To be enlightened is to touch the world and watch it ripple. It is not that we have anything. It’s that we know we don’t have it. It is splendid. Nothing is absolutely exhilarating. Nothing really is everything. We hear and see and feel in endless variations. That’s all.
The secret to life is that we choose it. And the path we walk goes wherever we want. Those who meet along the road are destined. Those who walk together share a fate of bliss
2002Apr02
The blue collar people of today, at the age of 30, are in worse shape than I. They have suffered more, had everything and lost it, changed careers three times, been institutionalized for attempted suicide, drugs, insanity or crime and now they write new-age, self-help books.
[from a later page, may be Apr12]
Leticia called me today and my heart breathes.
2002Mar29
I have survived a trial by fire… and the jury is just returning. Faith is not compromise (Samuel conversation).
2002Mar28
I have a tremendous ability to detach… and also to concentrate.
2002Mar26
So, my predicament is this: I am undeniably in love with Leticia. Though I have forced myself to embark on new relationships, my heart is not in it. I only want Leticia…. And my loneliness is destroying my motivation to live. I have choice in life, but
