2002Mar09 I have vision. I envision; I’m a dreamer. I want to be a one-hit wonder as a jack of all trades. I am not looking for my place among the stars but just a chance (a turn) to shine in each of their places. The opportunity to be written up in thirty different kinds…

2002Mar11 It’s good to get lost in your head every once in a while. You have to accept that you have a lot of really bad ideas, but when you do a lot of good ones float to the surface; or, sometimes, there’s one good idea in a lot of bad ones. But still, there’s…

2002Mar12 One delusion is that I’m always getting myself out of trouble when, in truth, I’m usually getting myself into it. I have been living out of a backpack for a year. The first part of it I had a car. I have camped, slept in rest stops and neighborhoods. I have spent nights on…

2002Mar19 “I dream in volumetric proportions” [from margin] I am a very unapologetic person. I have vision. I want to demonstrate that a person may have a vision, manifest it, and be happy. The literal result of this is sculpture, or photography, or any creative thing if it’s done right. Destructive actions always have some…

2002Mar26 So, my predicament is this: I am undeniably in love with Leticia. Though I have forced myself to embark on new relationships, my heart is not in it. I only want Leticia…. And my loneliness is destroying my motivation to live. I have choice in life, but

2002Mar28 I have a tremendous ability to detach… and also to concentrate.

2002Mar29 I have survived a trial by fire… and the jury is just returning. Faith is not compromise (Samuel conversation).

2002Apr02 The blue collar people of today, at the age of 30, are in worse shape than I. They have suffered more, had everything and lost it, changed careers three times, been institutionalized for attempted suicide, drugs, insanity or crime and now they write new-age, self-help books. [from a later page, may be Apr12] Leticia…

2002May~~ [between May13 and May30] To be enlightened is to touch the world and watch it ripple. It is not that we have anything. It’s that we know we don’t have it. It is splendid. Nothing is absolutely exhilarating. Nothing really is everything. We hear and see and feel in endless variations. That’s all. The…

2002May06 3:30am At last, the most beautiful woman in the world has called me, lifted my spirit from self-pity, and has given me hope as always.

2002May09 Thursday [wrong date in journal] What an interesting world this is! I haven’t been writing recently, so I’m not sure where to start… here, I guess. Should I waste this energy on expulsing the angst I have toward the injustices of the world? Dawn is back (bitch!!!), after stealing from me and, as well,…

2002Jun06 Mushrooms What new thing could I see in the cards or in my head that would be comparable to that which I have already seen. My heart aches for you. [from previous page, no date] Where they can easily forget their pain. Slippery words are like stone puppets at a Sunday matinee. Diplomat To…

2002Jun25 What is on the edge of being possible is most spectacular.

2002Jul25 Not to slip into a world of decadence but of fulfillment, rather, release – satisfaction is a shy self-indulgence as if traveling by train in a life with an infinite amount of time

2002Aug26 That same insane craziness resounding throughout my being. What meaningful chaos. Hikah catches my attention with a solidity that shows me surrender in my heart. I think I’m falling in love with her even as my grasp on the fantasy of Leticia is wrenched loose. What pure passion manifest! Unrealized with Leticia and growing…

2002Sep24 My whole purpose for being an artist is being shaken. This is my block. Not immovable but rather a glare that struck the central emotus system, light rendered into thing rather than thing illuminated. Preoccupation. Indulgent.

2002Nov12 [red ink] Mid November began for me today as I awoke to the most stunning view from the Berkeley Marina. All three bridges and the pier: Pearls of light Hung in stasis As if from invisible rafters Perhaps we are dolls in this giant’s animated world, left to our own human device, grouped together…

2002Nov15 She is consumed by words Perfection reflected through a proximity Of time and space – past is present Is dream time… must heal from Leticia, Or sort out my feelings and express them. [first page of a different journal beginning 2002Jan] She is consumed by words. My words I hope are unaffecting. I want…

2002Nov17 [probable date] Sunday coffee before Vacaville Disorderly conduct for flippin’ the bird to a cop… what nonsense! I think his point was quite clear. Morning news, and the normal heartsick blues, racks my mind and taunts my eyes with fog and distant music. Drums fall away replaced by the usual chatter. Not white noise…

2002Dec~~ (Poem) [all entries undated, end of book starting 2002Mar19] Do you defend me When I am not there And do you guard me When you are not also asleep Am I watched and considered in love Or do you not value me most, Though second to yourself My aching heart needs to know so…