Severely depressed. Like every Christmas, all I have wanted is someone to make plans with… I should be doing last minute shopping, wrapping presents, or cooking something. But there’s no one on my list and no one to call. I haven’t had any friends in a very long time. I have reached out and I have been easily available for anyone who wants me, but there’s only been more social games and a few niceties along the way.

On the day before Thanksgiving I ran out of gas and was walking a few miles back to my home for spare change when total strangers came to my rescue, picked me up, and took me and my can to the gas station, instead. They filled my tank and reminded me how nice people can be. I met with one person for coffee, but with more of those insulting games – this time with a child doing cartwheels, and the same woman who identified herself as a federal agent, showed up after my friends death with a stuffed bunny, asked me all kinds of paranoid spiritual questions, then tried to ‘extinguish my third eye’ with her thumb… she was pretending she didn’t know me this time. Another guy offered me a massage, which is nice, but women are regularly run off or set up with someone else – that is, unless there’s a hidden agenda requiring some contrived setup. And new neighbors from down the street brought homemade cookies, the same ones who previously brought a portable propane weed burner…

It’s not clear why there is so much focus on me by people who do not want me to succeed. I’m generally liked by people I meet and I would absolutely have friends if it weren’t for someone or other running interference in my personal life. It is clear they’re abusing professional privileges, as the invasions of privacy are still so blatant. I’m quite certain the neighbors down the way are favored by the same Jehovah’s Witnesses who run this place and have been responsible for so much psychological abuse, and they seem to be prompted. The torch they brought was taken from a monologue only a fly on the wall could have heard, one in which I talked about such a thing like it was the Sword of God that could destroy the landlord’s temple of an office. In reality, the pocket version isn’t even good enough for weeds – and the eavesdropping word games continue, anyway.

Christmas cookies are appropriate for this time and it was certainly healing to accept… but I do think they were prompted. They probably didn’t know about the fallout with my mother over a batch of cookies. You see, it’s an appropriate gift from a neighbor down the street, but from my mother it was simply the least she could do to make herself feel her obligations had been fulfilled while continuing to dismiss my needs and wishes, and continuing to make plans with other people, even my friends and neighbors, while leaving me out. I yelled at her over this and we have not made amends. One of the most insulting holiday gifts one year was a zip-lock bag left on the back porch with one piece of my mother’s famous pineapple upside down cake, and another with some tea bags from my dad. It was proof positive they’d been conspiring with neighbors at the time, an that I had been excluded again.

Although the last three years since Barbara’s death have been mostly about paying off bills and getting through the holidays, it’s typical for me to make batches of treats to give out during the holidays. I’ve made large amounts of syrup, truffles, cranberry sauce, and so on. One year, we did Halloween Baskets, with an Autumn variation of Easter eggs… and on the year Barbara died, cookies were on the agenda. That was the plan. It was a stressful year and we decided that was the solution. Her Birthday would fall on the 20th, and neither one of us were accepted by our families. She had insisted on getting supplies without help the weekend before, and she overdid it. She got very sick a few days before her Birthday, suffered from complications with medication she was taking, and died the day after. And I still have one cabinet filled with ingredients for all different kinds of cookies.

Biscotti was on the list, but the neighbors from down the street didn’t even live here at the time. And biscotti is what they brought, which is good because it’s one of my favorites. But there is a concern about ‘someone’ with an ulterior motive. After Barb died, I said out loud “ok, let’s go get some shoes…” on a day I was going to buy shoes. I think out loud a lot, and usually intentionally, but the same ‘feds’ who are so hellbent on my spiritual well being are still very upset about things I said more than 30 years ago regarding divination, mediums, and the spirit world – and that day a pair of slippers just Barb’s size showed up where I was looking for Men’s size 11 boots, while a couple of people stood off monitoring me… as if I might think Barb’s ghost is walking around elderly with cold feet? There was another similar situation. But not for a minute do I think she’s behind slippers, cookies, or anything else. She’s in Heaven, and I’m still fighting the people who were isolating us. I consider the focus on mental health to be an insult to me, and disrespectful toward her. And so it is most appropriate, I am enjoying homemade cookies and a pair of slippers for myself today.

This year, like any Christmas, my favorite part are the light displays. I’ve been enjoying the night driving while I make deliveries, despite the traffic, with all the new cheap inflatable decorations and LED arrays. I didn’t decorate this year since I haven’t been socializing here. I was being isolated by the Jehovah’s Witnesses when Barbara defended me and that is how we got together… so, they isolated us both and there was no one there for me when she died. In fact, the landlord stood outside and ran people off. But there has been no stopping me from going to see light displays. There are several around Oregon within driving distance. On the year she passed away, we had planned on going to see the Pastega lights, a local tradition at the Pepsi plant that was being hosted over at the fairgrounds ever since Pastega died. I couldn’t find anyone to go with me the following year, but I went anyway. Last year, I just went alone. And this year the collection has sold and much of it is in a new location in Albany, but it’s a walk-through event and I’m not planning on going… but I did decide to do something.

It started with a list of different light shows I’d been to and would like to see again. Then, I was listening to the radio and I heard about one of the best in Oregon, and it’s in Salem. On the same station, there was a trivia question asked about which candy is purchased most during the holidays, but used for decoration and not eaten. I guessed candy canes which turned out to be right, but I didn’t know the people who called in with the right answer got free tickets to the light show. That decided it. I bought a ticket for one vehicle that day. Now, it’s the day before Christmas Eve and my only plan is to go see a light show sometime before Jan 4th when it ends – tonight would be great. But all I want for Christmas is still just someone to make plans with me. And all I got was someone who humored me, then condemned me for wanting to celebrate the holiday and would not make plans for Christmas at all, just one more puppet for a Jesus cult.

So, today is December 23 and the landlord is running around collecting trash like usual. Last night, a woman asked me how my daughter was, asked if she was out also making deliveries… and I’ve heard I have a daughter, but still haven’t been officially informed by anyone… there is chronic stalking and my home is eavesdropped on, but nobody talks to me. Or, they just humor me. I’ve asked valid questions and pursued every legal course I know, but I’ve been excluded. I think I’ve been cheated and I feel owed. It is clear now that my aunt and cousins live here and they’re on the side with the money – I no longer get deliveries to their restaurants, and my aunt has helped the Jehovah’s Witnesses deprive me since I was a kid. She’s likely to be scapegoated if things go back to court, but it doesn’t matter. No one has talked to me about my father’s death, either. Still. I think this is about possession of the assets, and that’s all. While I have been averaging less than minimum wage with a high cost of doing business to maintain my sovereignty as an independent adult, these people all help cover up for each other while they lie, cheat, and steal. Needless to say, I am not getting them anything for Christmas and not expecting anything. It’s also not clear why my other cousins, people from Humboldt, and even people from east of the Rockies are here from my past – and no one talks to me.

One day at a time. Today is another work day, and I’ll fantasize about things like a hug and maybe someone to go for a walk with on Christmas. There is no reason to complain. I’m not the only one suffering abuse from religious extremists. They regularly invade people’s privacy and exploit them, especially focusing on the children. And I’m not the first to be targeted by them. Even those outside of any direct harassment deal with censorship and population control that goes too far, and its only intended to push a moral agenda that most people do not support. Me, I need to make a few hundred more dollars to achieve this month’s bare minimum goals, and I’ll still be several thousand dollars in debt. Live cheap, keep working… and I will always keep dreaming. In that, I am invincible. I will always be convinced that life is about making dreams come true… so I continue, with or without anyone who wants to go with…