2004Aug24
It’s made out to be the victimized are held responsible, that my personal goals are considered to be as inadequate as I feel I am. I know I have to earn respect but I’m being offered token apologies at best. Such a strange predicament. I’ve tried to tell anyone who would listen about my needs (and that has been my undoing), but there is no one who understands. Sure, these thoughts are frightening, but the only consideration I receive is from the questions I raise – and now people question me to the point that no one really talks to me. It’s a rejection to my validity that obscures real listening, promotes all the assumption. And who should I talk to. I cannot even write Leticia a letter. I want to tell her I love her – and say goodbye. I need closure even though I’ve held out for so long with the hope that someday she would return. I don’t have any choice but to leave – she’s the only reason left to be here and while I lash out at what remnants of abuse remain, I acquiesce – tempt God to prove me wrong (that she will come) – with no choice but to accept that she is gone. I know I’m dramatic. And unpredictable. I’m too passionate, perhaps, but this is my reality. I’m true. I write too much and the respect of keeping my feelings to myself is that everyone seems to be afraid of what I’m thinking. I repeat: I’ll tell anyone, just no one knows. No one’s listening. They translate what I say to what I must mean and cannot appreciate the finesse of connotation vs. literalness because they are coming from the approach that I am crazy and that what sense I make must be deceptive. Have these people never been honest with themselves (those that are still learning talk mostly about themselves, but few seem to reach the point of emerging as purposeful beings), or are they only concerned about my role as it pertains to them? I don’t consider there to be a division between people. The us and them fails logic. I, of course, have never felt a part of “the group”, or culture, never had a sense of belonging. Many times I’ve been lured to feel at home only to be exploited and then rejected and I will not allow that to happen anymore and the mark I’d like to leave is to remove the authority of an abuser – to make my point before I go. This is a personal thing and also selfless. I want my life to be exemplary of the individual in community. I am a valuable person and I demand that my needs be met. I have a tendency to command respect, rather than ask, and there seem to be many who are offended by my sense of pride. Arrogance, they say. Maybe. I really don’t have a choice but to go. I’m already behind on my life’s work and God knows I need a vacation – more like a whole new start after an intermission. Maybe, all I can leave behind is a letter addressed to whom I did concern. Should I express my pleasure in removing my presence. It’s by default, anyway! I would prefer to live here, happily ever after with Leticia, but without Leticia I don’t want to stay. I know best how to start over. I wish there was another option – something not so second-rate Humboldt. I have the rubies – romantic but for those who think my love is corrupt. How crazy is it to fill these journals. Talking only seems to get me in trouble…. But then again, who knows what will happen in the next couple of days.