2004Aug20
No one cares, or if they do they remain unwilling to do anything about it. I’m 33 with a yearning that will kill me and for a woman who does not want me. This makes me undesireable and a pain in the ass to be around. No one likes me. And so I write. Leticia, I love you. I’m sorry I have not been able to design the perfection in my life that I want to share with you. As I struggle with my own self-doubt, I fear I will never see you again. This last connection I have to you is also turning sour. What direction should I be moving in? I can’t give up, try as I might, and there’s nothing left to do or leave behind, not even the chance to safely send a letter. Dear God, please guide and protect me tonight and henceforth. Please, bring love into my life.

Yes, my thoughts are frightening sometimes. Sometimes, they frighten even me the thinker. But surely the answer is not to numb the brain of thought but to express or otherwise utilize them in a safe way – constructively. Or confined space for explosions, etc. They may crucify me; My reputation has suffered terribly at the hand of my self-pity. No one wants to talk to me, but everyone talks about me. It’s not that all the people spend their whole day discussing me, but that what is said is such the topic that people get quiet when I walk into a room. I overhear such fearful things…. I’ve been demonized. That weird guy. He creeped me out. Crazy. But, in fact I’m really just misunderstood. It’s true. I’ve done enough research to know what’s happening as well as any professional but I lack the socio-economic backing. Therefore, I am unable to engage anyone in an equal manner. I know, but cannot talk. It’s as if I’m back in the same abuse dynamic I came from. It’s almost exactly as if, though I’m not doing anything wrong. I guess I wasn’t doing anything wrong as a kid either, but socially taboo all the same. And the guilt that’s dished out by others! Like I don’t already carry so much! How much shame is necessary? I believe they are going to try and humiliate me, but they just don’t know. I am humble. For God’s sake I gave up my life and dedicated my work to that of God’s will. They’ll call me psychotic, or psychopathic, or just psycho. I should not want to be in a place I am not liked, nor should I want to do anything but for myself. Well fuck y’all motherfuckers! How can you sleep at night not knowing you children are safe. I understand why Leticia left. I am not naïve. I know I may never see her again. And there’s nothing I can do but write a letter with nowhere I can send it. Ughh! I have transformed myself enough! How much more do I have to learn? Should I just stop trying to be so perfect? I’ve found no wisdom on this subject, only inspirations to keep me moving on. I can do nothing to change this world and the mere fact that I want to threatens the worst of people. But I don’t want to find a life of searching out those who trust me. That has to change. As it is, my reputation precedes me. I’m getting branded a sexual predator, obsessive-compulsive, pitiful and therefore undeserving of compassion. The people are compelled by sensationalism and gossip. Bad news, second-hand is somehow sweeter. And there’s a feeding frenzy on the ills of others. I’m so close to understanding. I know what I am not (though I felt that way – evil, even manifested a few too many negative things in my own life). What a tremendous time this is! Do I have a chance to achieve my life’s dream? To make a difference? At what personal sacrifice? I’ve already given up Leticia. I had to, and it took two years to get over it (only to be branded obsessive and, hence, I cannot get a date). Yes, maybe it is inappropriate to be with anyone else as long as I want Leticia. I finally learned that, but there should be no lynching for my liking of sex even if my self-esteem was as record low. Yes, I was needy. I still am. But I’m no longer looking and now people are worried. Wonderful –