2004Aug19
Pity – Piety

What contrasting connotations these words now hold…. To be so devout – homely and homeless. Passionate, driven, and useless. Priceless as a result of being invaluable. Unwanted. To be pious in this day is not sought after or admired, but to be pitiful draws people like parasites. Zealots are terrorists and revelers are obsessed. Addicts. Make the world a richer place. There’s a marketplace of dreams, a predictable customer, customary confusion in an atmosphere of need. There’s a marketplace of dreams, a predictable customer, customary confusion in an atmosphere of need. If you got an ill, we got the pill, our drug of choice is the best advice, and we freely give it. Just trust me! Fear is like a cancer, a mythical horror-story, growing and gaining speed. Psst. Here! Quick! Look, you can’t live without this. My pity is your lesson in compassion. I don’t know who you think you are. Hey, check me out. And there’s a whole lotta bullshit for sale in nice shiny wrappers. There’s just not much call for the pious and the devout.

And so continues this ad nauseum journal…. I have been saying that I’m done with writing, that even though I won’t burn my own books it’s time to move on – photography, gems, etc. need more attention. I need more attention, but I guess I just cannot stop. I’m still so separate from this culture – the epitome of being marginalized – I have perhaps become dependant on the sense of objectivity this affords me. The fact is my social reality is quite subjective. I’m at an interesting point in my life. I am finally wearing the rubies close to my heart and as emotionally isolated as I am, there is abundant magick surrounding and my spirit is fed daily what love it needs. Still, no stability, or focus on a definable flow. The block, I think, is social. My contribution – my teaching – is unreceived. I funnel my energy into these books! Ah, but now my broken heart has been mended (mostly). I am so sensitive (and extreme, a no doubt intimidating combination), but strengthening daily. Good music tonight and rest. Tomorrow should set the tone for the rest of the weekend, perhaps the month. Tonight could even show some unforeseen event or connection. Should I feel so untouchable? People treat me as if it is they who want to be distant from me, but it is my social phobia that should be challenged. It’s good for me to have people close, but I live in the reality I create and it’s been maybe my greatest self-deprivation. Intimacy with others is perhaps the most important personal need. Rumors and reputations are always to follow a person with character. It’s too bad my character is so questionable (too questionable), to the point of pushing others away. With the right ingredient to make me palatable, I would be quite interesting – something to quell the fear people have so they’re comfortable. A woman would have this affect on my character (it’s what I became used to), but (as a result) I am threatening because I am single. I rarely share my writing so no one’s sure they want to hear it. I tend to speak the truth, but most would prefer to avoid it. No one knows who I am.