2004Aug05
Fog this morning, followed by sunshine – glorious in that rarely does one see the sun this early in Arcata (at least on foggy mornings). I am this way in my head this morning, too…. Foggy, but lifting. Pragmatic tasks to cling on to, but not the frictionless ear for my words yet. My heart – it’s pain now quelled or numbed – still yearns for Leticia. Is this madness? I don’t value a thousand dollars or a thousand rubies or temporary satisfactions past, present, or future as much as I value that everlasting sense of completion when I think of her. And what if my dreams come true today – if God answers my prayers and Leticia comes back into my life? I still do not have a thousand dollars, or rubies, or means to provide for a family. I don’t understand how I could be so completed and so inadequate. I pray this morning that the provisions I need be given and my heart be satisfied in whatever my Lord sees fit. I cannot begin to dissect the dynamic of energies and their recent shifts. Today I am keenly aware that my life is in the hands of God. I – the great I – am only human. Maybe I just need to get laid.

And what am I waiting for? (Not who, but what.) Flirtatious eyes – a beautiful blonde and Shannon a sexy brunette, friendly and kind gentle spirit. My life has been graced with a lot of pretty women, though the last few years I’ve devoted my heart to Leticia (who hasn’t been in my life for as long). My desire, as a man, to find a mate died the moment I saw her, the day I found everything I’d been looking for. And how shamefully masked my contentment was by depression, self-pity, and an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. She is not a token of achievement, not a proving ground to make me feel good enough. I have lots of women available to me, and who would accept me, but Leticia is the one I want. That she doesn’t want me is far from enticing. And would I conquer? Could I? I want my love to be effortless and destined, not contrived or worked for, but free. I feel like I’m going around in circles, repetitive thoughts appropriately spiral bound and dated but all the same thought underlying – I love Leticia. Despite all distractions (alcoholic or female), I still only have eyes for her. Am I insane? Self-depriving, using her as a tool? Karma, maybe. I wonder what must have happened in a previous life! Between my physical need for sex and my emotional isolation I think I might break. Dear God please guide me through this day, provide for me and dispel my confusion. Please allow me to find the contentment I yearn for. I have a certain self-acceptance that I need shared and reflected. I have learned how to love myself but I need to be loved by someone else. Please send me the one who will take me for all that I am, flaws included, whoever and however that may happen. And if not my fantasy of Leticia, then show me a soul more perfect. I alone am powerless to fulfill this need for myself.

And so I wait
And I wander
In a delicate dance
I revisit my life’s historical sites
Of romances begun and battles ended
I step or stomp on stone after stone
Each gem, each seed,
Some spec of light that reminds me of her