2002Nov12

[red ink]
Mid November began for me today as I awoke to the most stunning view from the Berkeley Marina. All three bridges and the pier:
Pearls of light
Hung in stasis
As if from invisible rafters
Perhaps we are dolls in this giant’s animated world, left to our own human device, grouped together in cement toy boxes, and allowed to revel in our play.
Or maybe the giant doesn’t think of us at all… and who cares! Isn’t this world just larger than life itself? Why not run free? Certainly we will not exhaust the possibilities for love and learning! And life will pass quickly if we spend our time just looking back. We should save that for when our seams are tiring and we can no longer climb mountains and our old doll wisdom will be that life should be lived so stories can be told – and what stories we will have!… already enough for a book if books are just stories worth keeping. Let’s write many books and leave our life experience behind for others to have, or let’s leave art, or light because like stars or pearls one more added only increases the beauty of the whole. And when our stuffing breaks down and we become shreds of cloth we know we will have become part of the fabric of the universe.

What greater gift could God have chosen for me than that of finding you in my life. I thought I knew what I wanted (so many times) but now I see I could never have imagined such perfect harmony. You asked me not to fall in love with you so now I am praying that your apprehension be lifted and that God may have sent me to you for life. I am in love with you. How could I not be? You are my perfect spirit, my godsend, my queen. I pray that you will keep me, that you will let me love you, and together we will always live in joy and true happiness. I pray that our time together will be strengthening and that we may share a faith that can see us through all trials. Oh Suzette, I pray that you will love me too.

This morning, for the first time in years, I felt like I was no longer lost. I knew exactly where I was and where I wanted to go. This feeling of being no longer out of pace, I hope, is not transient. I hope I can maintain this centeredness and not be derailed by other people. I hope everything works out for Hikah (I fear I broke her heart) and with Suzette I hope we can solidify the comfort we have found together.

[black ink]
All these recent realizations about Leticia’s significance in my life deserve so much writing that my mind and my pen keep shuddering to a halt. I could not say enough but that, to my surprise, I now think her daughter Alina was more important. I wanted to help Leticia so badly (and confused that with love) because Alina was the first child I ever connected to/with – had empathy for… an ability to relate with a child for the first time ever at 29 years old. So easily that empathy carried over to a shared understanding with Leticia, a feeling that I needed in my isolation at that time. And how many would-be fathers had she at that time! A slew of people flocking to fill the need she had for someone to understand her pain. Thank God I was there for her in my darkest hour – for Alina’s sake. But I was there that night looking for love to fill my void. And in her infinite wisdom as mother and warrior she fled from those who would make her rather than take her into her own personal hell to confront her truest desires; and all the while I felt responsible though her daughter was in good care. I wish her all the best with Krishna and somehow I know she will find all that she wants in life. Ironically, the whole turn of events rendered me helpless to do anything but take care of myself and give up on love. And in so doing I stepped through the front door of my life into paradise as did Leticia. These, my final words in this chapter, are not an ending – as I cross over the threshold and let go of my need for another I find true love waiting for me, predestined to be. And so this is a beginning as I offer my heart to Suzette.
[note in margin – Suzette calls at the most synchronistic time.]
Thank you God for guiding me through the labrynth of my mind and giving me the opportunity to love the most wonderful woman. I pray now that she will love – does love – me, too. Yet I wholly trust that whatever is meant to be will be and I revel in the anticipation of experiences to come. Thank you.