2002Jan02
[date +/- two days]

What is this?
A curse of chosen loneliness? Are these words that ooze from the tip of my pen truly more powerful than a weapon of water? They say the chase is more fun than the kill, but I think the best moment is after the chase is over – just before you sink your teeth in – when you know you’ve got it. Like the anticipation of sex during foreplay I savour my unfulfilled desires. Perhaps I’m seducing my own emotion with fire on the horizon, sated by the wind that feeds the flames and also brings the rain. When will words be enough to release me from this solitude…. An orgasmic spell, indeed.

Crazy?
You called me ill when I was sad. I had thought you cared. Yes, I said, I was lovesick. My choice, you said, that I could be happy if I wanted. True. I know that now. And I see that Krishna is still playing, though you called him crazy. And I, Shiva, am still alone.

What is craziness?
I have seen the grossest failing of the human mind – the brain’s ability. What a simple arrogance it is that anyone thinks they know anything. The brain must function on fear, piecing together little bits of the unknown to form a perfectly logical conclusion, as if to say “I’m stumped!” is a plea of insanity. I’ll tell you what’s crazy is anything that makes sense on paper – even this, if in fact that makes sense to you.

This is crazy.
I need to use my brain so badly that there’s nothing left to do but let it spill out all over the paper. It makes more of a mess when I try to live my life with it. With so many failed attempts at success and so many witnessed miracles, I’ve become a strong believer in fate, destiny, and the like. It’s not that I believe in being passive, just that I don’t have another outlet for these thoughts that are beyond the grasp of most people. What I’ve seen and done sets me apart – too far apart.

And as my illusion crumbled, my life became a trial by fire.