2002Feb13

Idiocy – The stupidity of my words. I see her in my mind for 8 months now… and then there’s that girl I saw writing one day. I am too rigid. Leticia is gone (or is she?) on the east coast finding happiness. How does this affect me really? Actuality – I see the writer everywhere I go. She is an angel. What a sweet spirit! And Renee is a part of my daily life!!! Is this a good thing? What is a blessing if not manifest reality? And what’s in a name anyway? My words don’t even have a meaning. I drew a mandala – more like a doorway to the demons of my mind – fear. A mandala of fear…. How evil is that! Self-doubt. Insecurity. I think I can’t be good enough for myself if I can’t be good enough for another. I know the truth is quite the opposite, but this feeling is what stands between me and her. By ‘her’ I mean all women. It makes me want to cling to Renee, keeps me from introducing myself to that mysterious angel, and my lack of self-confidence itself pushed Leticia three thousand miles away. What do I want? Mystery is my turn-on, but I know better than attaching myself to the mystery of another person (I only lose interest when they are discovered). I am in a different stage of my life now that places a whole new set of demands on me. Renee is the most real person I’ve ever met and so much compatibility should not be mere potential. Leticia is all potential like Psyche and Persephone who only ever nearly touch through the veil of illusion. I don’t want anymore illusion. All that is potential is limitless. I want to see that manifested, tangible. Happiness is forever, like the love I share with Leticia. I feel a wave of this when I glimpse the angel. She is not the girl of my dreams, but special and irreplaceable nevertheless. I stumbled out of the magic after I took it back when I gave it to Renee. Am I doomed to be alone? Maybe passion is a curse. My needs are indefinable though perhaps because they involve another. My God! If anyone read this they would think I’m crazy! Struggle is self-imposed (usually) and still I find myself floundering and at a loss as to what I should do. Adrian is absolutely beautiful… and such a strong woman. I’ve always found that attractive. But what is the point of simple satisfaction? It’s transient when happiness is permanent. I can’t discern my needs from my wants. What can I do? Have I become dependant on affection? Am I supposed to be isolated to prove my independence? Too many questions and far, far too many conflicting answers. I might just be a passionate fatalist. Maybe life is all just free choice. I know I don’t really want the fame and fortune I think I would have with Leticia. I just want love. Is that what I’ve found with Renee? It’s not as if I’m choosing between them. One is a fantasy and the other reality. It’s a dialogue in my mind.

So that’s the selfish part – now for the indiscernible side, the other (as in significant other). Leticia is on a quest to realize herself. I relate to this. She doesn’t want to lose herself in another person. Again, like me. Renee, on the other hand lost River who committed suicide. I strongly believe that suicide is a selfish act. Inherent in his actions (that speak louder than words) is the notion that he didn’t want her (or anything). I was in that state when I met Leticia – she saved my life, though she doesn’t want someone to live for her and Renee needs that I think. The fact is I love them both for who they are. I cannot compare (even though I want to). Death and fate – no proof until it happens. What a mess emotion is! The fact is I want what Renee wants in life (I think).
Coffee. It’s a pleasure. 10:30 AM
I have a paper to write, a hundred pages to read, and I’m spilling my brains out on paper for the simple reason that I saw light – the same light I feel in me. Is there sickness here? Logic tells me that Renee is perfect for me, but the hold I have on Leticia keeps me afloat (that our love is pure). I do love Renee, but I cannot satisfy her insecurities. It’s hopeless. Just the thought of Leticia warms me while Renee leaves me full of desire feeling cold (and she leaves me a lot). God I want to fuck her. I’m like a starved animal. I have to let her go and guard myself against her.
Renee may just be a lesson in self-control. I can live without her, though I cannot imagine a life without Leticia. Leticia is my shakti. I spent ten years looking for her and lost her in three days. I keep thinking I’m not over her, but the truth is I’m not sure it is over. She is my distant star. I write love letters to Renee, but I’m reaching out to Leticia with every fiber of my being. I need to show myself to her (and her only, perhaps) while I feel the need to explain myself to Renee. The solution is simple: I have to write Leticia the love letter to end all love letters. I owe no one an explanation for this (there is no explanation). If I am searching out rejection then let it set me free – let me be free to love another or let me be united with my shakti. I concern myself with interminable rewrites, but have yet to begin…. No time like the present.
[next page]
Leticia,
My mind, my soul, stops at the sound of your name. This constant motion of thought and desire I put aside just to look at you. I feel you three thousand miles away and my heart is satisfied. I love you. I cannot love another. The faintest possibility that we may be together even for a moment bars me from giving myself away. I spent ten years looking for you and lost you in three days. We met when I was ready to accept my dream of you as mere fantasy. Now my dreams, no matter how fantastical, keep me alive. Never have I felt a connection so pure. I am prepared to spend the rest of my life alone. No one else can present such a feeling of perfection. My heart stops at the thought of discovering my destiny, hoping to find you in my future. I know that you love me. I want you to know me. It is my most solemn wish that I may be everything you want in a mate. I fear that I am not what you are searching out, but I am compelled to tell you how I feel. I want to share the world with you, to have a family and live out the rest of our lives together. I think about you everyday for eight months now and I know that this is forever. I feel crazy, but I’m not. I just want to be with you. Please give me the opportunity to love you with every fiber of my being. Tell me that I am the one or give me a chance to show you. Explore me. Know me and if you musty reject me, be direct and I will walk away and never return to this thought of us. You don’t need to be gentle with me. I am strong. You woke something up in me, but my dreams do not depend on you…. Only my dream of you. [line through—I thought you should know]