I wake up thinking about you every day, just as I go to bed, but I want to wake up next to you. I want to sleep with you. I think of every decision I might have made differently. I think of what opportunities there may be to be together again. I see you in everyone and everywhere, except that you're not there in body. I don't know where to go or what to do, but I need to be with you again. I need to feel you in my arms and have your arms around me again. I think of places from 10 years ago where I might still go, and new places, but I don't know where you are. I feel you, but I need you to touch me. I hear you in every song on every radio, but I need to hear your voice, whispering in my ear – I want you.
The energy between us is so potent. Remember Hiouchi? Your approach turned me on more than I can express, and I emerged from my campsite to see you – the Luna car – pulling away, leaving me empty. So close. So many other times, too. I've glimpsed you up the street from my place, even, so I know you know where I live… but I don't know if you live here in Corvallis, travel for work, or just come to visit. And I don't know if the intensity of my feelings for you have anything to do with proximity, or just purity. I just know I still want you as much as I did the first time I saw you. And I still don't understand why we can't meet in broad daylight, or ever anywhere, without all the cloak-and-dagger craziness that makes love feel criminal.
I almost left for Humboldt this early morning, was going to take a friend's car, but I'm stuck with the jeep and I can't afford it. I had imagined camping on the beach, staying for the weekend, and finally having you with me. I've thought about going to Reno, too, that maybe it'smore feasible in Nevada to love and be loved than it is in California, legally. Mexico is on the list, as well, and I have plans to spend Christmas through New Year's in Puerto Vallarta. Then, I was thinking I'd walk to Canada, maybe with you? I know, it's a very long walk…
My dreams of you help pass the time while I keep waiting, wherever I am. But the fact is, I'm stuck in a toxic mobile home, with toxic neighbors in a deteriorating neighborhood, where I've been for many years… and I have nobody I can count on. The possibility of us being together seems impossible from every angle, and yet that sense of destiny is still there. Even when I'm not feeling desirable, as is often the case, I still hold on to hope. The thoughts of us together are effortless. True love simply can't be hopeless, ever.
When we first met, you'll remember, I lacked the self-confidence to make eye contact, and shied away from the most attractive women – even you, who I can't let go of… but I felt you were out of my league, that I couldn't possibly win the affection of a woman as beautiful as you. My journal began, Dear God, how could you do this to me!? Oh, woe is me for having seen the most beautiful woman in the world – I looked like some mountain man, unshaven and half drunk, and felt undeserving … and then the journal transits to, Dear God, I deserve better than this, the struggle and the sacrifice, all that I'm willing to do and the distances I would go, to still not have something so meant to be?!
And now, I am spent. Sober, more stable, more confident, but spent. I scheme up new ideas, replay all that I can remember, and waste whole days just daydreaming. I often wonder if it's too late, or if we were ever really meant to be. True love is rare. I hesitate, as I don't know where you are or what you're doing. I imagine you've moved on, more successfully than I was able, and that I've missed my chance… and then, every time, God Laughs and reminds me, there's no such thing as luck. And you're there.
So it is, I don't know when, where, or how we will be, just that I love you – and that, forever, will never change. I remain convinced that true love conquers all, and that we'll find a way… even when I leave this place, maybe someday soon, wherever I go, I'll be there for you. I think about you every day, and I miss you. Just come be with me again, when you can.
Indigo