After a short nap, a friend came to tell me there were half a dozen cop cars on the next street. It was a suicide, I think, a man who'd been suffering from depression. Lots of traffic. One of my neighbors started throwing apples at my house later, yelling 'never, never!', and the other neighbors had emerged long enough to see the moon overshadowing the earth, but then retreated from the light, as usual. I think they're either heroin junkies or vampires, not sure. And my place is no less toxic. I have got to move.
Getting away from all, I went to see the beavers at the wildlife refuge, crossed elk, and watched the light fade… and back again this morning to watch the herons and the egrets hunting. The nutrea seem to have some kind fo deal worked out with the birds and the beavers – it's a worthy place to escape to, anytime. This morning, a smoky sky with a red sun, low ground fog, and I was full of excitement and anticipation. I just kept thinking 'today, today!', as I was dreaming of us. Did I see you in my rear view mirror?
Some emails from last night had me wound up. It was already a high energy day. I tried to sleep but to no avail… needless to say, you're on my mind. I have never yearned for anyone like this. It sounds crazy, I know. Over sixteen years, I think we're the only ones who know the whole story – or could. There's been so much slander. In the last decade, I've had chronic problems with my neighbors framing me for crimes, exploiting an already undeserved reputation, and doing what they can to disrupt my social life. I still don't know why. Forget about liasons. All I really want is to be with you.
When I first came to Corvallis more than a decade ago, people thought I hated cops – which has never been true. They thought they couldn't talk to me, only near me. And to this day, professionals treat me like I'm some kind of sociopathic, paranoid delusional. Then there's the military, which I don't understand at all. Apparently women are told I might kill them? Getting dates has not been easy for whatever reasons, the biggest being my longing for you. The social issues here don't all come from Humboldt, though. I did suffer from alcohol psychosis – that basically means I get crazy when I drink, which isn't the same as being a serial killer. And I do have PTSD – there are many misconceptions about that. A more accurate diagnosis for me might be PANDAS, complete with obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and I have chronic problems with inflamation that led to bouts of meningitis before I got it under control. My adrenals don't work like they used to, and I run low on cortisone. There's enough to feed someone's fear of me, whatever the case, but the illness of my character is simply false – and I never had social problems before Humboldt, even if I do have a weak social identity.
So, setting the record straight is about having the God-Given right to walk down the street with you, but requires you to make things right. Leticia, I love you. I've never wanted anyone so much. I need you. I actually need you. I don't think I can let you go, honestly. And why would I want to? I need your help. And, you're the most beautiful woman in the world. Bonus. Beyond that, I love your emotional creativity, your pureness, and the not so emotional stuff, too… ironically, I think I need to meet with you, in order to get things right, so that me may have the right to meet, should we want.
It's my understanding that you are under a contract that prohibits you from being with me, but I don't know who you work for and I've never seen anything in writing, giving me a valid explanation or due process. I do believe you want to be with me, as we've both gone to outlandish lengths to meet. I can't imagine you would want to walk away any more than I do. You are a part of me, forever, but I'm only asking for one meeting… I see you here sometimes, but I don't know if you live here. I post in Humboldt because I know you get the messages, but I don't think it really matters.
I need to touch you more than anything. I'm over my fear of what to say. And I will meet with you almost anywhere, public or private. You are welcome anywhere I go, even here, but we should go for a hot tub or get a hotel. All I need is you – your invitation, your desire. I insist, however, that we meet as equals. I suspect you're a psychologist, a law enforcer, or some kind of secret government agent – maybe all three – but I refuse to be a patient or client of yours, as that would ruin my fantasies, making you very unethical. And when it comes to the sex, I know it'll be the absolute best ever… but… are you going to want this much foreplay every time? *sigh*