What a strange night… I felt the tears.  Sitting by the fire, I could see another, and the tide separated us.  The reflection was a constantly moving path, untreadable.  And although I was drawn around the surf, I didn't approach.  My company didn't belong in the scene, and I felt the same.  I was out of place – without you.  It's a strange dichotomy, that I feel I belong with you and that I'm not wanted anywhere.  I feel left out.  I was left out, and there never was an explanation.

There are so many misunderstandings added to all the unknowns.  I realize you know a lot about me, and I know so little about you… but, I think you must be working under some false premises.  I wonder what you think of me, almost as much as I wonder about you, yourself.  You know, I'm not even clear about what your favorite color is – blue-green, more blue than green, or purple?  And I definitely don't understand why it's taken all these years, all the distances, and the strained communications… even just to go for a walk and talk for awhile?

So, I take this sense that maybe if I write a little more, try a little harder, go a little further – maybe then we will finally be together.  It's the flipside of feeling that it's my own inadequacies that have kept us apart with each narrow miss.  Then, when I realize how ridiculous this is, how none of this could be entirely my fault, I blame the government, my parents, and my neighbors… but this is not about shame.
Responsibility is a constant topic – service, duty, purpose, even as I won't be judged… and I think we should talk about money and family.  We should talk about sex, too – especially considering I believe we may have a child together, but we've never even kissed.  Crazy, I know, but why we're not together needs to be explained to me.

So, the night cooled off, the distant fire burned down, and I thought of you until the sky became light and the pink glow of a sunrise showed the beach was empty.  I wished you were there, with me.  I am doing more than waiting, though – I keep scheming ways that we might meet secretly, while making the arrangement publicly.  And I pace a lot.  I'm always going to want you, and I haven't given up hope.  Can't give up on love…

Finishing coffee in Arcata now, and more mundane errands, but I haven't got a plan.  Are you even in Humboldt?  It's a good place to brainstorm, anyway, but I am hoping to gain some resolve before I leave… and I will certainly write more, and take more photos, over the weekend – communication is what I'm all about, you know.  Would you like to get together to share a hot tub and some body language?  I want something more private than the internet, and I would meet you anywhere.  I need to see you, and hear you, and touch you – I need you, not anybody else.  It's still true, I will love you forever, today, tomorrow, and forever more, however that may manifest… so, good morning.  I hope we both find clarity, as the fog lifts.

Indigo