2004Mar15
Monday
Serendipity? What madness this world conceales behind thoughtful yearning and unfulfilled desires! Master plan? There’s chaos, only seems random…. Truth is a sentiment that cannot be broken by situation of wishful thinking. My life would be so much simpler if I didn’t have such powerful feelings for Leticia, but it’s not my feelings that seem to be causing problems. I wait. I dream. How much simpler can it get? Here I sit near a woman who wants me (rather undeniably, though she tries), working today is Jesse (perfect being), I’m writing – life is good but then why do I want a pile of rubies? I wonder if Leticia thinks of me, if she wants to see me. I hope things are well in her life, that Alina is well, and that there will be room for me to share my life with them both. And what a life it is! From one perspective I’m a waste – I’ve failed and must spend what time I have left redeeming myself. But from another perspective I’ve accumulated so many valuable experiences, I’ve achieved survival and become an authority on living – my sense of purpose has been charged by love and my concepts of life and God are ever-expanding. My approach to energy has shifted, too. I found my strength and have become more responsible for my actions (or lack of). I still don’t know if I will see Leticia, but I am content just knowing I am here for her. I pray that she wants me and I hope all the recent attention I’ve been getting is not God’s way of consoling me. I pray that I’m being readied and that I will be able to give her everything. It may sound impossible, may be impossible, but I’ve already given her my heart and I want to give her more. Even if it means never having a partner, never settling, I remain hers. I am beyond attaching logical reasoning to my emotion. None of this makes sense on paper – and so much paper! My love for Leticia has never needed explanation. It’s true. There is no one else with whom I feel so content, even as I miss her more with each passing day. It’s as if I’ve reached the threshold of my yearning and still I wait. I’m no longer frightened by the fact that I may wait forever. I love her forever more.