2002May13

Mt thoughts are of Leticia today. It’s been almost a year now that I’ve been thinking of her everyday. I haven’t spoken with her since Thursday – my heart aches! – and my whole day is engulfed with yearning I’ll call her this afternoon – it’s all I can think about. I just want to be with her. There is no cause for loneliness here in Humboldt. I know so many people I can’t even leave my house if I’m looking for solitude. And yet my spirit feels isolated, three thousand miles distant from the source of her love. I am undeniably in love with her, my shakti. My feelings of inadequacy are challenged by my need, rather, my desire to be everything for her. And I miss Alina… children grow so fast and I fins it unfathomable (unthinkable!!!) and apparent that each day without her is a loss. I want so much to be an important part of their lives. What can I do but await an invitation? Now that we speak regularly I feel this will reach a resolve. I cannot imagine what will happen if I find I am unwanted. I’m afraid it would kill me as I am prone to self-destruction as it is. There is no shortage of single, attractive women here in Humboldt. Every week I meet four or five women I could have if I wanted them – beautiful women; writers, artists, travelers – lonely and looking. Still I have not met anyone as beautiful as Leticia. I pray to God that she is my destiny or I may be forever alone. Oh how my heart bleeds!!! I hope it is not the death of me. There is nothing worse than the misery of unrequited love. Dear God, save me.