2002Jan15
Renee is incredible. She’s thought provoking and intelligent, beautiful and kind. She knows her own strength which is appealing to me. Actually, all of her is appealing to me (that which I know). I wonder what will manifest between us. At this point, anything is possible and that terrifies me. I am so satisfied to be alone. How could I want anything else? But I do. A family of one is not much of a family. Is it that desire to procreate that pulls two people together? Is a relationship now more like a business deal? My fear comes from the pain and loss of separation, though now I stand strong in myself. I see how easily this fear could keep me alone. I feel like Renee is looking for a potential mate. I suppose that’s what I’m doing, even as I claim a solitary wholeness. I know I will love again – this time for life – as blissful and as anxious it is to be in love and out of control. Or maybe this time I will be in control of myself – a new experience in general. How anticlimactic a self-controlled love must be! Or is that just my fear? What magic is concealed with in looms larger than life on the outside. “Take it slow”, she says and I know she’s right. A love forever takes time to grow. This question of a relationship seems simple enough to answer: Just marry the right woman. The problem begins here. The problem always begins with a simple answer. The fact is I’ve been wrong so many times before that I don’t know how to tell who the right woman is. Did I say I wanted to get married?!? So many things have changed that I don’t know how to tell who I am anymore. This is not an ordinary identity crisis, just that I don’t know my place. My sense of self is stronger than ever. Oddly, what consoles me is the faith that whatever is meant to be, will be. I suppose it’s still the truth that any two people made for each other can do little to alter that fate. But I have to admit, that only works when two people are true to themselves. Only then can they be honest with each other. So maybe other people are more successful at lying to themselves than I have been. Maybe there are more failed potentials and lost opportunities than there are true love stories. Perhaps it is only that rarity that makes a good love story. And with that in mind I wonder if it is my fate to be forever alone.

Material reality – at the rate of spending I achieved today, I have enough money to last four more days. The dog is exhausting… I have to get a place where I can spend more time at home (and be able to cook). Socially, things are going well here but I need money. Virginia’s will come to an end soon. Derek’s is a slim possibility, but not as slim as Dan’s. Jason, Carmel, and the farm are all too far away and would be impossible for other reasons anyway. Renee is awesome, but I won’t ask her for a place to live because I’m interested in her, fear rejection (though I have nothing to lose), and, as well, she’s already aware of my situation. I value her friendship more than a bed. Cash money, that’s what I want. Financial aid will take 3-4 weeks until disbursement. It’s going to be a long month if I don’t come up with something. Oh yes, and on top of it all, that I have to write Leticia a letter when I’m settled A.S.A.P…. That is material reality. All the same, I haven’t wanted for anything since I arrived. Things will work out somehow. I have faith.