2002Feb27

There is a hummingbird suckling the jasmine. I must find out if I can grow hibiscus here. With other herbs it could become a tea garden.

Eating is a ritual. A simple way of life has the most profound rituals. Right now, raw almonds are my addiction. I share them with the dog but he’s not as interested. My calla lily has opened more; I drew it with charcoal – exhilarating. Time for reading.

Interlude: Krishna is moving back to Humboldt. Why do I think Leticia is soon to follow? It would be an interesting scene. Despite Leticia, it will be interesting to see my relation to Krishna. Something tells me he’s more level headed than Leticia but it doesn’t always appear that way. I have rooted and everything has been set into motion. The music plays on to the sound of a soulful sax. Haré, haré, haré.
I miss you, my shakti.

I dream in volumetric proportions.

It seems useless when words dribble onto the paper. So many useless lines, so many good phrases wasted. These little glimmers, too small to constitute a piece of writing, lay scattered throughout these pages. Someday I shal combine excerpts and call them memoirs. There is the fundamental purpose of writing; that it lasts into the future, makes it tangible, collectable. That’s what I like about sex (that it’s tangible or, better, tactile), not that it’s an experience that can be collected but that it’s a collective experience. To keep one’s own words and build with them is what defines a writer. A good lover culminates pleasure allowing it to mount higher.

[from next page]
Krishna and I were never very close but there was always some kind of unspoken understanding between us.

Sunshine!!! Again I see my calla lily open almost as if it waits to move for me. Really, it just moves when I’m not watching so when I see it, it appears more full. How would I make a mold of a Volkswagen? Latex? I’d rather play with a condom, but that requires a partner at least temporarily. What a life I’ve had in just this last year! Traveling, art, writing, and the struggle of the human spirit to survive in a world of molded people and mechanistic thinking. How might I be a new model, not just another replica? I want to have a sex life again – it sets the best example. My imagination is not the same as the feel of a beautiful mouth sucking on my cock, kissing my neck, and playfully biting my nipples. Or, many mouths… I am a one-woman man, although the thought of a roomful of people gratifying me is indeed arousing. Where is my lover? She’s the one who will strip for me, bend over, and beg me to fuck her. I can almost feel her hair gracing my balls and her breath in my ear. A breathy, raspy voice that says “yes, I want you” makes me erect with anticipation. Inconsiderate, selfish, and vain – These are some of the obstacles to self-gratification. Indulgence must have a willing partner. That must be the base of success on the internet; that the computer never says ‘no’ even if it does ask for a credit card. Essay idea: The World Wide Web as whore and mother. Religion and mental health – also very popular net sources. Ink runs. I sit. Sex, drugs, rock and roll, the ocean, art, and magic comprise my definition of living. Where is my family? I have not rooted well enough to start a family from scratch. My penmanship is that that is abhorrent.