2002Feb06
Leticia. The name holds a power over me. It’s not something out of my control, but a potency I drink in willingly. I talked to her for over an hour today. Neither one of us wanted to end the conversation. It’s as if her faith in life is a belief in me. I miss her. I want her to know me. I wrote her a letter, letting go, when I left her on the east coast. She said that when she read it she knelt down and prayed. That unconditional love I feel is all I need, all I ever wanted. It’s enough. I would not be alive without her. I would not want to be. There is such a simple sense that another’s love for me makes me feel whole in myself. It’s not logical. It doesn’t matter that she’s three thousand miles away. Distance (or any other physicality) is immaterial. Meanwhile, Renee is here on the west coast and my relationship with her is very physical (and transient), though we are both very mind-based people. She feels that she is standing in Leticia’s shadow. She wants to be the only one for me but I think I may be a prize for her and that the magic we could make together is not inherent in the dynamic between us albeit powerful. I will never allow someone to come between me and Leticia. Yet, this begs an important question. With jealousy being a defining element in any sexual relationship (or most?), will I be alone for the rest of my life because of my love for Leticia? Will I spend eternity waiting to see the forever she gave me manifest. There’s the point. I already see this purity in the life around me. It seems to be what make me so approachable or desirable to others. So, with Renee I find a paradox. If I were to allow her to replace Leticia, then I would no longer be desirable. I would no longer be a prize but a possession. I would most likely be discarded shortly thereafter. And what if she succumbs to me? Gives me the tangibility I find beauty in? I could unwittingly destroy her or, worse yet, we could destroy each other. Still, I love her and I respect the fact that she doesn’t want to be my mistress or muse. Maybe that makes us friends (sex being a dangerous toy), unwise to explore romantic potential even though it’s monumental. This makes me wonder if I could be happy with the triviality of a devout lover apart from love itself. Is gratuitous (free) sex cheap? Is Renee a destiny or a thought provoking stop along the way? I cannot make Leticia or anyone else my destiny. She tells me with no uncertainty that real love is something found not something looked for – definitely not something contrived.